Cupcakes de Guaraná

Time Machine ft. Boomy - “Personal Ads Remix”

Yolanda: Hello? Oh, yeah, hi. This Yolanda. I’m just calling to let you know that your thirst is over ‘cause, boo, I’ma rock your world. So if you look good and your game tight to me, then hit me up. Holler back
Voice Mail System: End of message

Ayyo
I like making beats, making love, and making dinner. Leave a
Message in my mailbox if you a winner. My grandma
Thought I was a saint. My ex knows that I’m a sinner
Now I’m a little older and in touch with my inner, need a
Fly female—age nineteen to twenty-six. I
Suppose I’ll make exceptions if you’re physically fit. Checking
For a girl with a firm reality grip, not
Really on some twisted mentality shit. Easy-
-going, wears sweatpants when it’s snowing, always
Feels a dope beat, nods her head when I’m flowing. She
Can cook, knows that haste makes waste
So we could do it slow ‘cause this isn’t no race. Take
Your time, solicit the Sunday flea market
Go ahead, girl. You rolled it. Spark it
She’ll drive if I get a little too live, changes
Up her hairstyle from pigtails to beehive. As for
Me, I’m twenty-three, professional emcee, Cancer
With all the answers and a bachelor's degree. I’d tell you
More about myself, but if you really want to see what I’m
Like, then come and spend some time with me, baby
(x2)
Ladies, what you looking for?
(I’m looking for a Mr. Right)
Fellas, what you looking for?
(A chick to get with tonight)

I’m not the popular 5’5”—add a half inch
Pretty brown eyes, curly eyelashes
Cute button nose, but please don’t pinch
Pearly whites wrapped in soft, voluptuous lips. Stay
Shy, nice. Tend to glitter and gleam with that
MAC lipstick or a touch of Vaseline. Got a
Tight body—head to toe, front to back. Guaran-
-tee you’ll like that and want my kitty cat. As
For you, a six-pack ain’t really necessary
But don’t be greedy. Share your wealth with me. You can
Hold my hand if our feet are on the sand or
Travel to Paris and dance the Can-Can with me
(Uh huh) Just sit and chill with me (Alright)
Don’t get mad if I get too tipsy
Weekly paycheck with a mind that’s correct
Gentle when you caress my back (My neck) and my neck (My back)
Rough around the edges, not too sensitive
Willing to work real hard so we can live well
Eventually, have a backyard with seashells. Hit
Me up, stop by and we can burn a few L’s
(x2)
Ladies, what you looking for?
(I’m looking for a Mr. Right)
Fellas, what you looking for?
(A chick to get with tonight)

Door knocks. Open it up. In come you, Date
Three. Enjoyed our time on our first too. I was
Not a chanticleer but I felt comfortable, and what-
-ever. Well, y’all, let’s stay, not rush through. Did you find
Me or I find you? In row six, column two. “Man seek-
-ing woman with respectable attributes.” The
Official anniversary would be the first of No-
-vember. We had dinner, I let you order first. Determined
To split the tab—that’s when I knew I had something
Special with a figure shaped like an hourglass
Goodie, goodie personality, but I know you bad. You so
Fly, when you smile, you make the next man glad. Thanks for
Arriving on time. I packed our grub bag
wine, cheese, crackers, and some lyrics I had. Ain’t hard to
Please, plus you low-maintenance. Let’s jet
Wait, I almost forgot those blankets. I’ll pull
This off with a dollar-twenty and twenty words. The next
Week, on the phone with your sweet voice, I heard. “How long
Can this really last? Could this go from good to bad?” I don’t
Know—that’s why I keep a copy of my personal ad

Sugar: Hey, my name is Sugar. They call me that ‘cause I’m naturally sweet. I’m looking for somebody to be the icing on my cupcake, so call me back ‘cause I’m guaranteed to give you a cavity
Nadia: Oye, this is Nadia from the Bronx. I’m calling ‘cause I’m looking for a man with a nice, long platano. If you’re interested in a girl with double-D boobies and a rice-and-bean booty, call me back, yah?
: So if you like long walks in the prison yard, chili dogs, and beef jerky, call me