Play Time de La Casa Azul

INT. TROY AND ABED'S APARTMENT
ANNIE: Didn't they say 304?

BRITTA: No, 303. I wrote it down twice.

They knock on the door, Troy opens it and they are greeted by Troy and Abed.

'Minuetto' by Luigi Boccherini plays.

TROY & ABED (sung): Troy and Abed's new apartment!

Annie is carrying a brick and a potted plant, Britta is holding a wrapped present.

BRITTA & ANNIE: Hi!

Abed smiles manically. Britta smiles back awkwardly.

TROY & ABED: Come on in.

BRITTA: OK

ANNIE: OK

Troy and Abed have a wall of framed photos of themselves together.
BRITTA & ANNIE: Wow!

BRITTA: What a great place. You guys- You guys look so fancy!

ABED: Thanks, we read a book on how to be the perfect party hosts. Rule Number 1: Drеss to impress.

TROY: Rule Number 2: Avoid touchy topics likе the Negro problem.

Annie and Britta look shocked.

TROY: The book was written in the '40s.

ABED (muttered): Yeah.

Shirley enters from the kitchen with a pot in hand.

SHIRLEY: Oh good, you guys are finally here!

BRITTA: Finally?

ABED (annoyed): Shirley showed up at 3.

SHIRLEY: Time flies when I'm baking!

TROY (annoyed): No it doesn't.
Annie holds up the brick.

ANNIE: The door downstairs was propped open with this. This is really unsafe, anyone could've just wandered into your building.

The intercom buzzes.

ABED: Like one of our guests?

Troy takes the brick from Annie.

TROY: I'll be right back.

ABED (whispered): Thank you, Troy.

ABED: Let me give you ladies the grand tour.

Abed pointing around.

ABED: Bathroom, kitchen, who cares?

Pointing to a diorama of the boulder trap from 'Raiders of the Lost Ark'

ABED: And this is my scale model of the rolling boulder scene from 'Raiders', with actual rolling boulder.

BRITTA: Ooh.
ABED (muttered): Yeah.

Abed flips a switch and a sound bite of Indiana Jones saying 'Adios, Satipo.' plays as the boulder rolls down the slope.

BRITTA & ANNIE: Ah.

Abed catches the boulder.

ABED (whispered): Pow.

ABED: Pretty cool, huh?

BRITTA: Super cool, and sexy. Super sexy cool.

ANNIE: Overselling it.

Shirley appears with a tray of 'pizza'.

SHIRLEY: I made pizza!

ABED: But we ordered real pizza.

SHIRLEY: Well there's nothing more real than homemade. You didn't have some of the ingredients, so I used ketchup and cream cheese!

ABED (firmly): We ordered real pizza.

ANNIE: Uh, Abed.

Shirley walks off. Annie holds up the potted plant.

ANNIE: Okay. Hey, I got you that.

Abed pretends to eat it and chuckles.

Troy returns with Jeff and Pierce, who is holding a large gift box and a bottle of alcohol.

TROY: Bienvenido a La Casa Chez Trobed.

JEFF: Very nice.

Jeff looks at the diorama.

JEFF: Oh look, Indiana Jones and the Apartment of Perpetual Virginity!

Troy fake laughs.

TROY: Chop busted, fellow adult, chop busted.
PIERCE: It's nice, not mansion-nice, but it's nice.

Pierce turns around to address Troy.

PIERCE: Didn't you used to live in a mansion with me?

TROY: Yeah, but this is more my speed and my century.

PIERCE: Yeah, well, I mean, I've hardly missed you at all since I had you removed from my portraits... Jeff, check it out, Serbian Rum, so strong, it is banned there. Banned in Serbia, Jeff. Heh, heh, heh. Let that concept sink in.

JEFF: Yeah, well, you enjoy. I have to leave early.

ABED: Oh?

JEFF: Yeah, sorry. I got invited to the opening of a new club.

Jeff holds up a business card.

JEFF: Look at this place, it's like it was designed for me.

ABED: It was, I made that in Photoshop and mailed it to you a month ago so you'd keep tonight open on your calendar.

Jeff looks harder at the card.

JEFF: There's no such thing as 'Single Malt Platinum Boobs and Billiards Club? Oh, I guess I never said it out loud.

Jeff looks crushed.

ABED: Tonight we offer something far more than 'Boobs and Billiards'.

JEFF: What?

Troy and Abed start walking toward the table.

TROY: One word, two syllables.

JEFF: Don't say charades.

TROY & ABED: Yahtzee!

They hold up a Yahtzee box.

JEFF: Is charades off the table?

Jeff opens Pierce's bottle.

The opening credits roll as 'At Least It Was Here' by 'The 88' plays.

Troy shakes a cup filled with dice and tips them onto the table.

TROY: OK, now, 'How to Play Yahtzee.'

PIERCE: Is there nothing from our youth that these companies won't repackage for a buck? Call it Yahtzee all you want, everybody knows it's Puerto Rican chess.

The intercom buzzes. Annie gasps.

JEFF: Annie, it's just the pizza?

ABED: We can't buzz him up. Someone has to go down.

Everyone quickly puts their pointer finger on their nose.

JEFF: Ah, okay, starting on my left with one, your number comes up, you go.

ABED: Just so you know Jeff, you are now creating six different timelines.

JEFF: Of course I am, Abed.

Jeff throws the die and it lands on 2. They are now in the 'Two' timeline.

JEFF: Two. One, two, Annie.

ANNIE (annoyed): Okay, fine. Guess I'm going down.

Annie leaves to get the pizza.

Britta puts 'Roxanne' by 'The Police' on the IPod.

'Roxanne' by 'The Police' plays.

PIERCE: All this talk of 'going down'. Did you guys know I had sex with Eartha Kitt in an airplane bathroom?

All except Pierce sigh.

JEFF: We're about to eat.

PIERCE: It's not namedropping, it comes up organically.

SHIRLEY: I'm checking on my pies.

Shirley gets up and heads to the kitchen.

BRITTA (sung): Roxa-

JEFF (intruding): No.

Britta looks at Abed.

BRITTA: Bathroom?

ABED: Yeah, over here.

Abed leads Britta to the bathroom.

Troy looks in Annie's bag.

TROY: Uh, guys, what does a pregnancy test look like?

JEFF: It's like a thin piece of plastic with a thing on the end of it.

Troy pulls a gun out of Annie's bag.

TROY: Okay, so this is definitely a gun.

JEFF: Woah, yeah, put that away.

TROY (whispered): Oh my.

Troy and Jeff begin to put away the gun.

TROY: Why does Annie have a gun?

PIERCE: That's not a gun, that's a girl's peashooter.

Pierce picks up his large gift box.

PIERCE: Here, Troy. Happy housewarming.

TROY: Jeff, what are we going to do about this?

JEFF: I'm gonna get a drink.

Jeff hits his head on the ceiling fan.

JEFF: Ow!

PIERCE: Ha, ha, ha, ha.

JEFF (annoyed): What's so funny?

PIERCE: I don't know, people hitting their heads.

Shirley returns with a tray of pies.

SHIRLEY: Don't fight over them!

pause

SHIRLEY: Well, y- you can fight a little.

Abed is outside the bathroom door, Britta exits.

ABED: Smells weird.

BRITTA: I beg your pardon?

ABED: Smells weird. What did you do?

BRITTA: Abed, you don't ask someone a question like that. It's not dignified.

Annie returns with the pizza.

BRITTA (excited): Pizza!

Britta dances to the living room, followed by Abed walking.

BRITTA (sung): Pizza, pizza, go in tummy! Me so hungy, me so hungy!

ANNIE: Pizza guy was super creepy.

JEFF: So you're saying he was a pizza guy?

They all eat pizza.

ABED: I wonder what happened in those other timelines?

JEFF: Abed, there are no other timelines.

The intercom buzzes, they are back before the dice roll.

Everyone quickly puts their pointer finger on their nose.

JEFF: Ah, okay, starting on my left with one, your number comes up, you go.

ABED: Just so you know Jeff, you are now creating six different timelines.

JEFF: Of course I am, Abed.

Jeff throws the die and it lands on 4. They are now in the 'Four' timeline.

JEFF: Four. One, two, three, four, Shirley.

SHIRLEY: Okay, just don't let my pies burn, hee-hee!

Britta puts 'Roxanne' by 'The Police' on the IPod.

'Roxanne' by 'The Police' plays.

Shirley leaves to get the pizza.

JEFF: Remember, no one eats those pies.

ANNIE: Come on, let's just talk to her.

JEFF: We tried, but she ignored us. The woman has a baking problem. Now, I don't like being the bad guy any more than anybody else-

BRITTA (sung): Ro-

JEFF (intruding): No.

Britta looks at Abed.

BRITTA: Bathroom?

ABED: Yeah, over here.

Abed leads Britta to the bathroom.

JEFF: We have a pact. We do not enable her baking. It's gonna be better for her in the long run.

PIERCE (chuckled): You know who got it in the long run? Eartha Kitt when I nailed her in the airplane bathroom.

ANNIE: Ew, Pierce

TROY: Really?

PIERCE: What? It came up organically.

Pierce picks up his large gift box.

PIERCE: Here, Troy. Happy housewarming.

TROY: Oh, cool, thanks Pierce.

Troy opens the large gift box to find a model of a Norwegian troll.

TROY (terrified): Whoa!

JEFF (whispered): What is it?

PIERCE: What? It, It's a traditional Norwegian troll. When Troy and I were living together, I had it on display in the hall outside his bedroom. He seemed very taken with it.

Jeff chuckles

TROY (angered): It used to watch me sleep!

ANNIE: Pierce, shame on you! Jeff, what are you gonna do about this?

JEFF: I'm gonna get a drink.

Jeff hits his head on the ceiling fan.

JEFF: Ow!

PIERCE: Ha, ha.

ANNIE: Oh my God, are you okay?

JEFF: Barley felt it

ANNIE: Let me look at it in the bathroom.

Abed and Britta are outside the bathroom door.

BRITTA: It's not dignified.

Shirley returns with the pizza.

BRITTA (excited): Pizza!

Britta dances to the living room, followed by Abed walking.

BRITTA (sung): Pizza, pizza, in my tummy! Me so hungy, me so hungy!

SHIRLEY: Did someone remember to take out my pies?

Everyone looks at each other

SHIRLEY: Seriously? Oh!

Shirley rushes to check her pies but when she pulls them from the oven they are all burned.

SHIRLEY: Oh! Oh, no. Seriously?!

JEFF: Shirley, it doesn't matter, we weren't going to eat them. You're not allowed to have baking as an identity.

SHIRLEY: Excuse me for being the only married woman in a group of horny toads who sit around all night just making googly eyes at each other.

JEFF & ANNIE: Googly eyes?

Jeff and Annie look at each other, Jeff looks at Britta, Britta looks at Troy, Troy looks at Abed. Abed does an eyebrow flutter and Troy looks at the troll.

TROY: Oh!

PIERCE: Shirley, it's okay. Nobody makes googly eyes at me either. We're the same.

Shirley runs off sobbing.

ANNIE: Shirley. Shirley?

Abed flips a switch and a sound bite of Indiana Jones saying 'Adios, Satipo.' plays as the boulder rolls down the slope. Abed catches the boulder.

ABED: I don’t know why she’s so upset, her pies probably didn’t burn in the other timelines.

JEFF: Abed, Shirley just have a nervous breakdown.

PIERCE: More like a nervous-

JEFF (intruding): Bake-down, I know, I didn’t say it on purpose and Abed there are no other timelines.

The intercom buzzes, they are back before the dice roll.

Everyone quickly puts their pointer finger on their nose.

JEFF: Ah, okay, starting on my left with one, your number comes up, you go.

ABED: Just so you know Jeff, you are now creating six different timelines.

JEFF: Of course I am, Abed.

Jeff throws the die and it lands on 3. They are now in the 'Three' timeline.

JEFF: Three. One, two, three, Pierce.

PIERCE: Crap.

Britta puts 'Roxanne' by 'The Police' on the IPod.

'Roxanne' by 'The Police' plays.

PIERCE: Speaking of crap, I was taking one in an airplane bathroom when Eartha Kitt decided to bang me.

All except Pierce sigh.

ANNIE: Seriously!

PIERCE: What? It’s where my mind went.

Pierce leaves to get the pizza.

JEFF: Your mind went years ago.

Annie chuckles.

SHIRLEY: Ugh, I’m gonna check on my pies.

Shirley gets up and heads to the kitchen.

BRITTA (sung): Roxa-

JEFF (intruding): No.

Britta looks at Abed.

BRITTA: Bathroom?

ABED: Yeah, over here.

Abed leads Britta to the bathroom.

ANNIE: I love your place, Troy. You’re all grown up now.

JEFF: I can’t believe those are real mahogany bunk beds in there. I bet that cost you a few allowances.

Annie chuckles.

TROY: Mm, all right.

ANNIE: Aw, Troy.

JEFF: Aw, now we done it.

Annie chuckles. Troy storms off to the bathroom and bumps into the diorama, a sound bite of Indiana Jones saying 'Adios, Satipo.' plays as the boulder rolls down the slope.

ABED: Britta’s in the ba-

Abed catches the boulder.

Britta is in the bathroom smoking out of the window, Troy knocks on the door.

BRITTA: Who is it?

TROY: Troy.

BRITTA (coughed): I’m washing my hands.

TROY: Good then I can come in.

Troy enters, Britta throws her cigarette out the window and begins spraying an aerosol can.

BRITTA: Ohh, hi, ummm. Ahem, I was, uh, smoking a cigarette.

TROY: I know what you were doing. I’m 21 years old, I’m a man.

Troy takes out what looks to be a cigarette.

BRITTA (shocked): Oh, okay, here.

Troy taps the “cigarette” and puts it in his mouth. Britta lights it. Troy eats the “cigarette” which is actually a candy stick.

BRITTA: I know that, we all know that.

TROY: Then why is Jeff always picking on me?

Annie and Jeff are talking at the dinner table.

ANNIE: You seem to be a little hard on Troy lately.

JEFF: I'm gonna get a drink.

Jeff hits his head on the ceiling fan.

JEFF: Ow!

ANNIE: Oh my God, are you okay?

JEFF (pained): Barely felt it.

ANNIE: Let me look at it in the bathroom.

ABED: Britta’s in the bathroom.

ANNIE: Oh, umm…

Annie points to the kitchen, her and Jeff head there. Shirley takes the pies out the oven.

SHIRLEY: Oh no, what happened?

ANNIE: Minor head wound, if there’s an abrasion we’ll clean it with iodine and apply ice.

JEFF: You make a good nurse.

ANNIE: Thanks!

SHIRLEY: Dr. Shirley says mini pies are the best medicine!

JEFF: Then I’d like to see her degree.

Shirley is upset. Britta and Troy are in the bathroom.

BRITTA: He’s butting antlers with you because you’re a threat now. You’ve got your own place, you’ve got a future, you’ve got a bowl full of olives next to the toilet.

TROY: It’s a fancy party Britta.

BRITTA: You know what Jeff has in his bathroom? Neither do I, he keeps his toiletries in a safe under the sink. His whole personality is based around guarding himself, you don’t have to be like that to be a man.

TROY: You’re really cool Britta.

Pierce returns with the pizza.

PIERCE: Man, pizza guys are getting worse and worse looking. Guess all the good ones went into porn.

Pierce looks at Jeff. The rest of the group begin to eat pizza.

JEFF: Ceiling fan.

PIERCE: I miss all the fun.

ABED: I wonder what happened in all those other timelines?

BRITTA & TROY: Who cares?

Britta takes a large bite of pizza and barks.

The intercom buzzes, they are back before the dice roll.

Everyone quickly puts their pointer finger on their nose.

JEFF: Ah, okay, starting on my left with one, your number comes up, you go.

ABED: Just so you know Jeff, you are now creating six different timelines.

JEFF: Of course I am, Abed.

Jeff throws the die and it lands on 6. They are now in the 'Six' timeline.

JEFF: Six. One, two, three, four, five, six, Britta.

BRITTA (sarcastically): Great.

Britta leaves to get the pizza.

PIERCE: Great. You know what’s great? Air travel. I’ve flown on a lot, a lotta airplane stories. I once had sex with Eartha Kitt…

SHIRLEY (intruding): Okay, I’m gonna check on my pies.

Shirley gets up and heads to the kitchen.

ABED (whispered): Hm, hey.

TROY: You guys are my best…

JEFF: I'm gonna get a drink.

Jeff hits his head on the ceiling fan.

JEFF: Ow!

TROY & PIERCE: Ha, ha, ha, ha.

ANNIE: Oh my God, are you okay?

JEFF (pained): Barely felt it.

ANNIE: Let me look at it in the bathroom.

Annie and Jeff go to the bathroom.

TROY: Do I need to refill the toilet olives?

ABED: We’re good, I checked.

TROY: You’re the best.

ABED: Wanna stay up all night talking in our bunk beds?

TROY: Duh-Doy!

Pierce becomes visibly annoyed.

Pierce picks up his large gift box.

PIERCE: Here, Troy. Happy housewarming.

TROY: Oh, cool, thanks Pierce.

Jeff and Annie are in the bathroom.

JEFF: You make a good nurse.

ANNIE: Thanks! I actually had to apply a tourniquet the other day, a guy got stabbed outside my building.

JEFF (shocked): What? Annie, you gotta get the Hell out of that apartment.

ANNIE: You don’t have to treat me like a kid anymore, remember?

JEFF: Yeah, but adults still need to be protected. I, I can’t help but worry about you Annie. You’re important to me.

Jeff and Annie lean in for a kiss but are interrupted by Troy’s scream.

Pierce is holding the Norwegian troll to Troy’s face, backing him into a wall while Abed is stood watching. Jeff and Annie come running in.

PIERCE (yelled): Feel the terror! Feel the terror Troy!

TROY (screamed): Stop!

PIERCE (yelled): Feel the terror of Norwegian troll!
SHIRLEY (distressed): What is going on in here?

ABED: Pierce is terrorizing Troy because he’s jealous we moved in together.

PIERCE: You’re the one who’s jealous!

ABED: Why would I be jealous?

PIERCE: Because you’re lonely and crazy!

Britta returns with the pizza.

BRITTA: Hey guys, this is Toby, our pizza delivery guy and I know this is gonna sound nuts, but, we’re in love and we’re getting married!

Britta kisses Toby’s hand.

ABED: I wonder what happened in all those other timelines?

TOBY: Wait, there are other timelines?

The intercom buzzes, they are back before the dice roll.

Everyone quickly puts their pointer finger on their nose.

JEFF: Ah, okay, starting on my left with one, your number comes up, you go.

ABED: Just so you know Jeff, you are now creating six different timelines.

JEFF: Of course I am, Abed.

Jeff throws the die and it lands on 1. They are now in the ‘One’ timeline.

JEFF: One. Troy.

TROY: Ugh, dammit. I’m gonna go as fast as I can so I don’t miss anything!

Troy leaves to get the pizza. When he leaves he slams the door which sets off the boulder in the diorama

'Roxanne' by 'The Police' plays.

PIERCE: You know who I used to call Miss Anything? Eartha Kitt.

All except Pierce groan.

PIERCE: What, he totally set me up.

SHIRLEY: I'm checking on my pies.

Shirley gets up and heads to the kitchen.

BRITTA (sung): Roxa-

JEFF (intruding): No.

BRITTA: Bathroom?

ABED: Yeah, over here.

Abed leads Britta to the bathroom, past the rolling boulder.

PIERCE: Jeff, tell us about your father.

JEFF: I'm gonna get a drink.

Jeff hits his head on the ceiling fan.

JEFF: Ow!

PIERCE: Ha, ha, ha, ha.

ANNIE: Oh my God, are you okay?

JEFF (pained): Barely felt it.

ANNIE: Let me look at it in the bathroom.

Annie and Jeff go to the bathroom but Annie trips on the boulder and falls into the snacks table. The Serbian Rum hits the ground and shatters. Pierce gets up and kicks his large gift box. Annie drops her bag and the gun inside shoots Pierce. Pierce screams.

JEFF (screamed): What the Hell?

Abed runs in from the bathroom, Shirley runs in from the kitchen with her pies. Annie attempts to tend to Pierce’s wounds.

PIERCE: No!
Blood from Pierce’s wound sprays Shirley. Shirley screams.

ANNIE (yelled): Call 911! Abed, help me stop the bleeding!

Jeff phones 911, Abed readjusts his Indiana Jones figure before rushing to help Pierce.

PIERCE (screamed): I’m dying, I am dying!

Britta runs in from the bathroom with a weed cigarette in her mouth. Out of shock, she opens her mouth, dropping the lit cigarette into the spilled rum on the floor. Peirce’s large gift box catches on fire. Annie screams. Jeff rushes to put out the fire.

BRITTA (dopey): Water. Water. Water!

Troy returns with the pizza. Britta throws a glass full of water at the fire, Abed and Annie are tending to Pierce, Jeff is fanning the fire with a blanket. The Norweigan Troll is in the centre of the room on fire.

TROY: You.

The fire grows and the troll is staring at Troy.

TROY (screamed): No!

The intercom buzzes, they are back before the dice roll.

Everyone quickly puts their pointer finger on their nose.

JEFF: Ah, okay, starting on my left with one, your number comes up, you go.

ABED: Just so you know Jeff, you are now creating six different timelines.

JEFF: Of course I am, Abed.

Jeff throws the die and it lands on 5. They are now in the 'Five' timeline.

JEFF: Five. One, two, three, four, five, Abed.

ABED: I’m on it!

Britta puts 'Roxanne' by 'The Police' on the IPod.

'Roxanne' by 'The Police' plays.

PIERCE: You know who else was on it… and do you know what it is?

ABED: Everybody give me money.

JEFF: Wow, that ascot really softens your personality.

PIERCE: I banged Eartha Kitt!

BRITTA (sung): Roxa-

JEFF (intruding): No.

Abed leaves to get the pizza, Shirley gets up and heads to the kitchen.

BRITTA: Bathroom?

TROY: Down the hall.

Britta heads to the bathroom.

JEFF: I’m getting a drink.

Jeff hits his head on the ceiling fan.

JEFF: Ow!

PIERCE: Ha, ha, ha, ha.

ANNIE: Oh my God, are you okay?

JEFF (pained): Barely felt it.

ANNIE: Let me look at it in the bathroom.

TROY: Britta’s in the bathroom.

ANNIE: Oh, umm…

Annie points to the kitchen, her and Jeff head there. Britta is in the bathroom smoking out of the window. Shirley takes the pies out the oven.

SHIRLEY: Oh no, what happened?

ANNIE: Minor head wound.
Britta leaves the bathroom.

BRITTA (dopey): Oh my God, what smells amazing?

SHIRLEY (excited): Oh! Someone wants pie!

Shirley runs to Britta with the pies. Annie is tending to Jeff’s wounds.

JEFF: You make a good nurse.

Britta takes one of Shirley’s pies and eats it.

BRITTA (dopey): Oh my God, they taste just like regular-sized pies.

SHIRLEY (excited): Oh yay!

Troy and Pierce are talking at the dining table.

Pierce picks up his large gift box.

PIERCE: Happy housewarming.

TROY: Oh, cool, thanks Pierce. Hey, while we’re alone I just wanted to say thanks for letting me live with you.

Shirley and Britta are talking outside the bathroom.

SHIRLEY: Sometimes I feel like making deserts is the only thing I’m good for in the group.

TROY: But now it’s time to try and make that on my own, just like you did.

Jeff and Annie are talking in the kitchen.

JEFF: I can’t help but worry about you Annie.

PIERCE: I, I don’t think you should open this.

Pierce tries to grab the gift off Troy.

TROY: No, what? What are you talking about?

JEFF: You’re very important to me.

BRITTA: Crap, I was not supposed to eat your stuff, we all made an agreement. Crap, I was not supposed to say that out loud. Crap, okay, cards on the table, I’m really high right now.

Shirley is shocked. Jeff and Annie kiss. Pierce and Troy fight over the gift.

PIERCE: Seriously, I…

TROY: Could you stop and it.

PIERCE: No, I want to give you something else, A Waterpik, a speedboat, two Waterpiks.

SHIRLEY (shocked): I can’t believe I’m feeding my pies to a drug addict!

BRITTA (angered): Drug addict? You’re a pie pusher, you push pies to get love!

TROY: Give it Pierce!

PIERCE (muttered): Stop it!

TROY: It feels fun!

ANNIE: I’m sorry, I just had a weird deja vu.

TROY: You’re bad at gift-giving!

ANNIE: That thing you said about worrying about me, it’s something my dad always said.

TROY: I demand to be housewarmed!

ANNIE (chuckled): Shouldn’t have brought it up, just reminded me of my dad! Anyway-

JEFF (intruding): A little ‘Make Out 101’, less dad talk and you could ease up on the bubblegum lip gloss.

TROY: No, I really-

PIERCE: No you-

The gift box goes flying and the Norwegian Troll is flung out.

Abed returns with the pizza.

ABED: Pizza time.

Shirley takes the pie from Britta.

SHIRLEY (angered): Give me this you… Godless hippie skank!

TROY: You’re a sick, sad, twisted old man and I hope you die alone.

Everyone goes to the dining table. Abed eats a slice of pizza.

ABED: Yeah! I wonder what happened in all those other timelines. I gotta say, I hope this is the real one because I just found a nickel in the hallway.

The intercom buzzes, they are back before the dice roll.

Everyone quickly puts their pointer finger on their nose.

JEFF: Ah, okay, starting on my left with one, your number comes up, you go.

ABED: Just so you know Jeff, you are now creating six different timelines.

JEFF: Of course I am, Abed.

Jeff throws the die and Abed catches it. They are now in the prime timeline.

ABED: I don’t think you should. Chaos already dominates enough of our lives, the universe is an endless raging sea of randomness. Our job isn’t to fight it but to weather it together, on the raft of life. A raft held together by those few rare, beautiful things that we know to be predictable.

BRITTA: Ropes? Vines? Let him finish!

ABED: Us. It won’t matter what happens to us as long as we stay honest and accepting of each other’s flaws and virtues. Annie will always be driven, Shirley will always be giving, Pierce will never apologize, Britta’s sort of a wild card from my perspective and Jeff will always remain a conniving son of a bitch.

SHIRLEY: Abed!

ABED: There are six sides to this die and seven of us. He devised a system by which he never has to get the pizza.

Jeff chuckles.

ANNIE: Jeff, you crafty jackrabbit!

TROY: Really, dang man!
PIERCE: Pretty low dude. It’s called friendship, look it up, Encarta it.

TROY: I think we just found our pizza-getter.

Britta puts 'Roxanne' by 'The Police' on the IPod.

ANNIE: Yeah, we did.

SHIRLEY: Yes, Jeffery.

'Roxanne' by 'The Police' plays.

JEFF: Oh, like it matters who goes.

Jeff hits his head on the ceiling fan.

JEFF: Ow!

Everyone except Jeff laughs.

JEFF (annoyed): What's so funny?

ANNIE: Karma.

TROY: That guy sucks harder than the toilet in an airplane bathroom.

PIERCE: Airplane bathroom.

SHIRLEY: Oh, my pies.

Shirley gets up and heads to the kitchen but is interrupted by Britta.

BRITTA (sung): Roxanne!

SHIRLEY: Oh!

BRITTA & SHIRLEY (sung):
You don't have to put on the red light
Those days are over

The girls of the group start to dance.

BRITTA, SHIRLEY & ANNIE (sung):
You don't have to sell your body to the night
SHIRLEY: Sing girls!

ANNIE: I really love your place.

ABED: You should move here.

Pierce throws his gift in the trash.

ANNIE: Come on Troy!

Everyone starts dancing.

BRITTA (sung):
…or if it's right

Jeff returns with the pizza.

BRITTA, SHIRLEY, ANNIE, TROY, PIERCE & ABED (sung):
Roxanne
You don't have to put on the red light

JEFF: You guys see what happens when I leave you alone, huh?

BRITTA, SHIRLEY, ANNIE, TROY, PIERCE & ABED (sung):
Roxanne
You don't have to put on the red light

Put on the red light
Put on the red light
Put on the red light
Put on the red light

INT. LIBRARY - STUDY ROOM

They are now in the ‘One’ timeline.

Shirley is holding a bottle of alcohol in a brown paper bag.

SHIRLEY: To Pierce. May he rest in Pierce.

Shirley pours alcohol onto the seat where Pierce used to sit and chuckles.

BRITTA: Shirley, don’t you think you’ve had enough?

SHIRLEY: Of you.

Britta gasps. Abed is cutting black felt.

ABED: Guys, I’ve been thinking about that night over and over. One thing has become clear. This is the darkest, most terrible timeline.

BRITTA: Enough with the timeline crap Abed! Pierce got shot in the leg and died. Shirley’s a drunk. Annie’s locked in a mental ward because her guilt drove her insane. Jeff lost an arm in the fire. Troy lost his larynx because for some dumb reason he tried to destroy a flaming troll doll by eating it.

TROY (artificial voice box): Clearly you don’t understand anything about defeating trolls.

BRITTA: Life has gone to Hell, Abed, this is real. Look at us, look at me!

JEFF: Britta, you put one wash-away blue streak in your hair and I lost an arm.

BRITTA: Exactly, life got dark.

ABED: All because Jeff rolled a one.

JEFF (sarcastically): I love how this is my fault somehow!

ABED: It’s mine. I’ve run through that night over and over in my head and I keep coming back to one thought. I should have caught the die and let you roll it. I failed to do that and we all suffered for it. But I’m gonna make it up to you.

Abed hands out felt goatees.

JEFF: What is this?

ABED: Of all the timelines this is clearly the darkest which is why I propose we commit to being evil. I’ve made us all black goatees out of felt, I suggest you put them until you’re able to grow your own, from now on I am evil Abed. We are the evil study group and we have but one evil goal: return somehow to the prime timeline, the one where I stopped you from rolling that die, then we destroy the good versions of ourselves and reclaim our proper lives.

EVIL JEFF: Evil Abed, as evil Jeff am I allowed to pull fewer punches with you?

EVIL ABED: Certainly!

EVIL JEFF (yelled): I hate you! Shut up with your sci-fi crap! I lost my damn arm and you’re making fake beards!
EVIL ABED: Goatees.

Evil Jeff and Evil Britta leave, and Evil Shirley follows. Evil Abed looks at Evil Troy as Evil Troy puts on his beard.

EVIL TROY & EVIL ABED (sung): Evil Troy & Evil Abed!

They do the special handshake. It zooms out of Abed’s mind.

INT. TROY AND ABED'S APARTMENT

They are now in the prime timeline.

Troy and Abed are watching Inspector Spacetime on the TV.

INSPECTOR SPACETIME (on tv): Those Blorgons nearly peppered our biscuits!

TROY: What’s wrong?

ABED: I don’t know.

CONSTABLE REGIE (on tv): We got out just in time!

INSPECTOR SPACETIME (on tv): More accurately constable we got out just in space.

CONSTABLE REGIE (on tv): Well, I certainly walked right into that one.

ABED: I guess nothing.