Places de Virginia Maestro

William Wycherley, 1640-1716 (1641-1716)
The Country-Wife, A comedy, Acted at the Theatre Royal. Written by Mr. Wycherley
Date first published: 1675.
Date first performed: 12 Jan 1675.

THE Country-Wife,
A COMEDY,

Indignor quicquam reprehendi, non quia crassè
Compositum illepidéve putetur, sed quia nuper:
Nec veniam Antiquis, sed honorem & præmia posci.
Horat.

Main text

ACT 1.

SCENE 1.
Enter Horner, and Quack following him at a distance.

Horner
A quack is as fit for a Pimp, as a Midwife for a Bawd; they are still but in their way, both helpers of Nature.------Well, my dear Doctor, hast thou done what I desired.

Quack
I have undone you for ever with the Women, and reported you throughout the whole Town as bad as an Eunuch, with as much trouble as if I had made you one in earnest.

Horner
But have you told all the Midwives you know, the Orange Wenches at the Playhouses, the City Husbands, and old Fumbling Keepers of this end of the Town, for they'l be the readiest to report it.

Quack
I have told all the Chamber-maids, Waiting women, Tyre women, and Old women of my acquaintance; nay, and whisper'd it as a secret to'em, and to the Whisperers of Whitehal; so that you need not doubt 'twill spread, and you will be as odious to the handsome young Women, as---

Horner
As the small Pox.---Well---

Quack
And to the married Women of this end of the Town, as---

Horner
As the great ones; nay, as their own Husbands.

Quack
And to the City Dames as Annis-seed Robin of filthy and contemptible memory; and they will frighten their Children with your name, especially their Females.

Horner
And cry Horner's coming to carry you away: I am only afraid 'twill not be believ'd; you told'em 'twas by an English-French disaster, and an English-French Chirurgeon, who has given me at once, not only a Cure, but an Antidote for the future, against that damn'd malady, and that worse distemper, love, and all other Womens evils.

Quack
Your late journey into France has made it the more credible, and your being here a fortnight before you appear'd in publick, looks as if you apprehended the shame, which I wonder you do not: Well I have been hired by young Gallants to bely'em t'other way; but you are the first wou'd be thought a Man unfit for Women.

Horner
Dear Mr. Doctor, let vain Rogues be contented only to be thought abler Men than they are, generally 'tis all the pleasure they have, but mine lyes another way.

Quack
You take, methinks, a very preposterous way to it, and as ridiculous as if we Operators in Physick, shou'd put forth Bills to disparage our Medicaments, with hopes to gain Customers.

Horner
Doctor, there are Quacks in love, as well as Physick, who get but the fewer and worse Patients, for their boasting; a good name is seldom got by giving it ones self, and Women no more than honour are compass'd by bragging: Come, come Doctor, the wisest Lawyer never discovers the merits of his cause till the tryal; the wealthiest Man conceals his riches, and the cunning Gamster his play; Shy Husbands and Keepers like old Rooks are not to be cheated, but by a new unpractis'd trick; false friendship will pass now no more than false dice upon'em, no, not in the City.
Enter Boy.

Boy.
There are two Ladies and a Gentleman coming up.

Horner
A Pox, some unbelieving Sisters of my former acquaintance, who I am afraid, expect their sense shou'd be satisfy'd of the falsity of the report.
Enter Sir Jasp. Fidget, Lady Fidget, and Mrs. Dainty Fidget.
No---this formal Fool and Women!

Quack
His Wife and Sister.

Sir Jaspar Fidget
My Coach breaking just now before your door Sir, I look upon as an occasional repremand to me Sir, for not kissing your hands Sir, since your coming out of France Sir; and so my disaster Sir, has been my good fortune Sir; and this is my Wife, and Sister Sir.

Horner
What then, Sir?

Sir Jaspar Fidget
My Lady, and Sister, Sir.---Wife, this is Master Horner.

Lady Fidget
Master Horner, Husband!

Sir Jaspar Fidget
My Lady, my Lady Fidget, Sir.

Horner
So, Sir.

Sir Jaspar Fidget
Won't you be acquainted with her Sir?

Pray salute my Wife, my Lady, Sir.

Horner
I will kiss no Mans Wife, Sir, for him, Sir; I have taken my eternal leave, Sir, of the Sex already, Sir.

Sir Jaspar Fidget
Hah, hah, hah; I'll plague him yet.

Not know my Wife, Sir?

Horner
I do know your Wife, Sir, she's a Woman, Sir, and consequently a Monster, Sir, a greater Monster than a Husband, Sir.

Sir Jaspar Fidget
A Husband; how, Sir?

Horner
So, Sir; but I make no more Cuckholds, Sir.

Husband, Sr. Jaspar; a Woman is hated by'em as much for loving her Husband, as for loving their Money: But pray, let's be gone.

Horner
You do well, Madam, for I have nothing that you came for: I have brought over not so much as a Bawdy Picture, new Postures, nor the second Part of the Escole de Fides; Nor---

Quack
Hold for shame, Sir; what d'y mean? you'l ruine your self for ever with the Sex---.

He's an innocent Man now, you know; pray stay, I'll hasten the Chaires to you.---Mr. Horner your Servant, I

shou'd be glad to see you at my house; pray, come and dine with me, and play at Cards with my Wife after dinner, you are fit for Women at that game; yet hah, ha--- soon disabuse the Wives: Stay---I'll reckon you up the advantages, I am like to have by my Stratagem: First, I shall be rid of all my old Acquaintances, the most insatiable sorts of Duns, that invade our Lodgings in a morning: And next, to the pleasure of making a New Mistriss, is that of being rid of an old One, and of all old Debts; Love when it comes to be so, is paid the most unwillingly.

Quack
Well, you may be so rid of your old Acquaintances; but how will you get any new Ones?

Horner
Doctor, thou wilt never make a good Chymist, thou art so incredulous and impatient; ask but all the young Fellows of the Town, if they do not loose more time like Huntsmen, in starting the game, than in running it down; one

knows not where to find'em. who will, or will not; Women of Quality are so civil, you can hardly distinguish love from good breeding, and a Man is often mistaken; but now I can be sure, she that shews an aversion to me loves the sport, as those Women that are gone, whom I warrant to be right: And then the next thing, is your Women of Honour, as you call'em, are only chary of their reputations, not their Persons, and 'tis scandal they wou'd avoid, not Men: Now may I have, by the reputation of an Eunuch, the Priviledges of One; and be seen in a Ladies Chamber, in a morning as early as her Husband; kiss Virgins before their Parents, or Lovers; and may be in short the Pas par tout of the Town. Now Doctor.

Quack
Nay, now you shall be the Doctor; and your Process is so new, that we do not know but it may succeed.

Horner
Not so new neither, Probatum est Doctor.

Quack
Well, I wish you luck and many Patients whil'st I go to mine.

Cards with them, go to Plays with'em, or do the little duties which other Shadows of men, are wont to do for'em.

Horner
Who do you call Shadows of Men?

Dorilant
Half Men.

Horner
What Boyes?

Dorilant
Ay your old Boyes, old beaux Garcons, who like super-annuated Stallions are suffer'd to run, feed, and whinney with the Mares as long as they live, though they can do nothing else.

Horner
Well a Pox on love and wenching, Women serve but to keep a Man from better Company; though I can't enjoy them, I shall you the more: good fellowship and friendship, are lasting, rational and manly pleasures.

Harcourt
For all that give me some of those pleasures, you call effeminate too, they help to relish one another.

Horner
They disturb one another.

Harcourt
No, Mistresses are like Books; if you pore upon them too much, they doze you, and make you unfit for Company; but if us'd discreetly, you are the fitter for conversation by'em.

Dorilant
A Mistress shou'd be like a little Country retreat near the Town, not to dwell in constantly, but only for a night and away; to tast the Town the better when a Man returns.

Horner
I tell you, 'tis as hard to be a good Fellow, a good Friend, and a Lover of Women, as 'tis to be a good Fellow, a good Friend, and a Lover of Money: You cannot follow both, then choose your side; Wine gives you liberty, Love takes it away.

Dorilant
Gad, he's in the right on't.

Horner
Wine gives you joy, Love grief and tortures; besides the Chirurgeon's Wine makes us witty, Love only Sots: Wine makes us sleep, Love breaks it.

Dorilant
By the World he has reason, Harcourt.

Horner
Wine makes---

Dorilant
Ay, Wine makes us---makes us Princes, Love makes us Beggars, poor Rogues, y gad---and Wine---

Horner
So, there's one converted.---No, no, Love and Wine, Oil and Vinegar.

Harcourt
I grant it; Love will still be uppermost.

Horner
Come, for my part I will have only those glorious, manly pleasures of being very drunk, and very slovenly.
Enter Boy.

Boy.
Mr. Sparkish is below, Sir.

Harcourt
What, my dear Friend! a Rogue that is fond of me, only I think for abusing him.

Dorilant
No, he can no more think the Men laugh at him, than that Women jilt him, his opinion of himself is so good.

Horner
Well, there's another pleasure by drinking, I thought not of; I shall loose his acquaintance, because he cannot drink; and you know 'tis a very hard thing to be rid of him, for he's one of those nauseous offerers at wit, who like the worst Fidlers run themselves into all Companies.

Harcourt
One, that by being in the Company of Men of sense wou'd pass for one.

Horner
And may so to the short-sighed World, as a false Jewel amongst true ones, is not discern'd at a distance; his Company is as troublesome to us, as a Cuckolds, when you have a mind to his Wife's.

Harcourt
No, the Rogue will not let us enjoy one another, but ravishes our conversation, though he signifies no more to't, than Sir Martin Mar-all's gaping, and auker'd thrumming upon the Lute, does to his Man's Voice, and Musick.

Dorilant
And to pass for a wit in Town, shewes himself a fool every night to us, that are guilty of the plot.

Horner
Such wits as he, are, to a Company of reasonable Men, like Rooks to the Gamesters, who only fill a room at the Table, but are so far from contributing to the play, that they only serve to spoil the fancy of those that do.

Dorilant
Nay, they are us'd like Rooks too, snub'd, check'd, and abus'd; yet the Rogues will hang on.

Horner
A Pox on'em, and all that force Nature, and wou'd be still what she forbids'em; Affectation is her greatest Monster.

Harcourt
Most Men are the contraries to that they wou'd seem; your bully you see, is a Coward with a long Sword; the little humbly fawning Physician with his Ebony cane, is he that destroys Men.

Dorilant
The Usurer, a poor Rogue, possess'd of moldy Bonds, and Mortgages; and we they call Spend-thrifts, are only wealthy, who lay out his money upon daily new purchases of pleasure.

Horner
Ay, your errantest cheat, is your Trustee, or Executor; your jealous Man, the greatest Cuckhold; your Church-man, the greatest Atheist; and your noisy pert Rogue of a wit, the greatest Fop, dullest Ass, and worst Company as you shall see: For here he comes.
Enter Sparkish to them.

Sparkish
How is't, Sparks, how is't? Well Faith, Harry, I must railly thee a little, ha, ha, ha, upon the report in Town of thee, ha, ha, ha, I can't hold y Faith; shall I speak?

Horner
Yes, but you'l be so bitter then.

Sparkish
Honest Dick and Franck here shall answer for me, I will not be extream bitter by the Univers.

Harcourt
We will be bound in ten thousand pound Bond, he shall not be bitter at all.

Dorilant
Nor sharp, nor sweet.

Horner
What, not down right insipid?

Sparkish
Nay then, since you are so brisk, and provoke me, take what follows; you must know, I was discoursing and raillying with some Ladies yesterday, and they hapned to talk of the fine new signes in Town.

Horner
Very fine Ladies I believe.

Sparkish
Said I, I know where the best new sign is. Where, says one of the Ladies? In Covent-Garden, I reply'd. Said another, In what street? In Russel-street, answer'd I. Lord says another, I'm sure there was ne're a fine new sign there yesterday. Yes, but there was, said I again, and it came out of France, and has been there a fortnight.

Dorilant
A Pox I can hear no more, prethee.

Horner
No hear him out; let him tune his crowd a while.

Harcourt
The worst Musick the greatest preparation.

Sparkish
Nay faith, I'll make you laugh. It cannot be, says a third Lady. Yes, yes, quoth I again. Says a fourth Lady,

Horner
Look to't, we'l have no more Ladies.

Sparkish
No.---then mark, mark, now, said I to the fourth, did you never see Mr. Horner; he lodges in Russel-street, and he's a sign of a Man, you know, since he came out of France, heh, hah, he.

Horner
But the Divel take me, is thine be the sign of a jest.

Sparkish
With that they all fell a laughing, till they bepiss'd themselves; what, but it do's not move you, methinks? well see one had as good go to Law without a witness, as break a jest without a laugher on ones side.---Come, come Sparks, but where do we dine, I have left at Whitehal an Earl to dine with you.

Dorilant
Why, I thought thou hadst lov'd a Man with a title better, than a Suit with a French trimming to't.

Harcourt
Go, to him again.

Sparkish
No, Sir, a wit to me is the greatest title in the World.

Horner
But go dine with your Earl, Sir, he may be exceptious; we are your Friends, and will not take it ill to be left, I do assure you.

Harcourt
Nay, faith he shall go to him.

Sparkish
Nay, pray Gentlemen.

Dorilant
We'l thrust you out, if you wo'not, what disappoint any Body for us.

Sparkish
Nay, dear Gentlemen hear me.

Horner
No, no, Sir, by no means; pray go Sir.

Sparkish
Why, dear Rogues.

Horner
Ay, if you have mind to't, for we shall dine at neither.

Sparkish
Pshaw, with your fooling we shall loose the new Play; and I wou'd no more miss seing a new Play the first day, than I wou'd miss setting in the wits Row; therefore I'll go fetch my Mistriss and away.

a Country Wife, is like refusing a deceitful pamper'd Smithfield Jade, to go and be cheated by a Friend in the Country.

Mr. Pinchwife
there are Cozens, Justices, Clarks, and Chaplains in the Country, I won't say Coach-men, but she's handsome and young.

Mr. Pinchwife
I'll answer as I shou'd do.
in the Country.

Harcourt
Foul Feeders indeed.

Dorilant
And your Hospitality is great there.

Harcourt
Open house, every Man's welcome.

Mr. Pinchwife
So, so, Gentlemen.

Horner
But prethee, why woud'st thou marry her? if she be ugly, ill bred, and silly, she must be rich then.

Mr. Pinchwife
As rich as if she brought me twenty thousand pound out of this Town; for she'l be as sure not to spend her moderate portion, as a London Baggage wou'd be to spend hers, let it be what it wou'd; so 'tis all one: then because shes ugly, she's the likelyer to be my own; and being ill bred, she'l hate conversation; and since silly and innocent, will not know the difference betwixt a Man of one and twenty, and one of forty

Horner
Nine---to my knowledge; but if she be silly, she'l expect as much from a Man of forty nine, as from him of one and twenty: But methinks wit is more necessary than beauty,

and I think no young Woman ugly that has it, and no handsome Woman agreable without it.

Mr. Pinchwife
'Tis my maxime, he's a Fool that marrys, but he's a greater that does not marry a Fool; what is wit in a Wife good for, but to make a Man a Cuckold?

Horner
Yes, to keep it from his knowledge.

Mr. Pinchwife
A Fool cannot contrive to make her husband a Cuckold.

Horner
No, but she'l club with a Man that can; and what is worse, if she cannot make her Husband a Cuckold, she'l make him jealous, and pass for one, and then 'tis all one.

Mr. Pinchwife
Well, well, I'll take care for one, my Wife shall make me no Cuckold, though she had your help Mr. Horner; I understand the Town, Sir.

Dorilant
His help!

never lye with my Wife, I know the Town.

Horner
But prethee, was not the way you were in better, is not keeping better than Marriage?

Mr. Pinchwife
A Pox on't, the Jades wou'd jilt me, I cou'd never keep a Whore to my self.

Horner
So then you only marry'd to keep a Whore to your self; well, but let me tell you, Women, as you say, are like Souldiers made constant and loyal by good pay, rather than by Oaths and Covenants, therefore I'd advise my Friends to keep rather than marry; since too I find by your example, it does not serve ones turn, for I saw you yesterday in the eighteen penny place with a pretty Country-wench.

Mr. Pinchwife
How the Divel, did he see my Wife then? I sate there that she might not be seen; but she shall never go to a play again.

But prethee, was it thy Wife? she was exceedingly pretty; I was in love with her at that distance.

Mr. Pinchwife
You are like never to be nearer to her. Your Servant Gentlemen.

Horner
Why, 'tis as hard to find an old Whoremaster without jealousy and the gout, as a young one without fear or the Pox.

As Gout in Age, from Pox in Youth proceeds;
So Wenching past, then jealousy succeeds:
The worst disease that Love and Wenching breeds.

ACT 2.

SCENE 1.
Mrs. Margery Pinchwife, and Alithea: Mr. Pinchwife peeping behind at the door.

Mrs. Pinchwife
Pray, Sister, where are the best Fields and Woods, to walk in in London?

Alithea
A pretty Question; why, Sister! Mulberry Garden, and St. James's Park; and for close walks the New Exchange.

Mrs. Pinchwife
Pray, Sister, tell me why my Husband looks so grum here in Town? and keeps me up so close, and will not let me go a walking, nor let me wear my best Gown yesterday?

Alithea
O he's jealous, Sister.

Mrs. Pinchwife
Jealous, what's that?

Alithea
He's afraid you shou'd love another Man.

Mrs. Pinchwife
How shou'd he be afraid of my loving another man, when he will not let me see any but himself.

Alithea
Did he not carry you yesterday to a Play?

Mrs. Pinchwife
Ay, but we sate amongst ugly People, he wou'd not let me come near the Gentry, who sate under us, so that I cou'd not see'em: He told me, none but naughty Women sate there, whom they tous'd and mous'd; but I wou'd have ventur'd for all that.

Alithea
But how did you like the Play?

Mrs. Pinchwife
Indeed I was aweary of the Play, but I lik'd hugeously the Actors; they are the goodlyest proper'st Men, Sister.

Alithea
O but you must not like the Actors, Sister.

Mrs. Pinchwife
Ay, how shou'd I help it, Sister? Pray, Sister, when my Husband comes in, will you ask leave for me to go a walking?

Alithea
A walking, hah, ha; Lord, a Country Gentlewomans leasure is the drudgery of a foot-post; and she requires as much airing as her Husbands Horses.
frequent my Lodgings? I keep no Company with any Women of scandalous reputations.

Mr. Pinchwife
No, you keep the Men of scandalous reputations Company.

Alithea
Where? wou'd you not have me civil? answer'em in a Box at the Plays? in the drawing room at Whitehal? in St. James's Park? Mulberry-garden? or---

Mr. Pinchwife
Hold, hold, do not teach my Wife, where the Men are to be found; I believe she's the worse for your Town

documents already; I bid you keep her in ignorance as I do.

Mrs. Pinchwife
Indeed be not angry with her Bud, she will tell me nothing of the Town, though I ask her a thousand times a day.

Mr. Pinchwife
Then you are very inquisitive to know, I find?

Mrs. Pinchwife
Not I indeed, Dear, I hate London; our Place-house in the Country is worth a thousand of't, wou'd I were there again.

Mr. Pinchwife
So you shall I warrant; but were you not talking of Plays, and Players, when I came in? you are her encourager in such discourses.

Mrs. Pinchwife
No indeed, Dear, she chid me just now for liking the Player Men.

Mr. Pinchwife
Nay, if she be so innocent as to own to me her lieking them, there is no hurt in't---
Yes indeed, but I do, the Player Men are finer Folks.

Mr. Pinchwife
But you love none better then me?

Mrs. Pinchwife
You are mine own Dear Bud, and I know you, I hate a Stranger.

Mr. Pinchwife
Ay, my Dear, you must love me only, and not be like the naughty Town Women, who only hate their Husbands, and love every Man else, love Plays, Visits, fine Coaches, fine Cloaths, Fidles, Balls, Treates, and so lead a wicked Town-life.

Mrs. Pinchwife
Nay, if to enjoy all these things be a Town-life, London is not so bad a place, Dear.

Mr. Pinchwife
How! if you love me, you must hate London.

Ali.
The Fool has forbid me discovering to her the pleasures of the Town, and he is now setting her a gog upon them himself.

Mrs. Pinchwife
But, Husband, do the Town-women love the Player Men too?

Mr. Pinchwife
Yes, I warrant you.

Mrs. Pinchwife
Ay, I warrant you.

Mr. Pinchwife
Why, you do not, I hope?

Mrs. Pinchwife
No, no Bud; but why have we no Player-men in the Country?

Mr. Pinchwife
Ha---Mrs. Minx, ask me no more to go to a Play.

Mrs. Pinchwife
Nay, why, Love? I did not care for going; but when you forbid me, you make me as't were desire it.

Alithea
So 'twill be in other things, I warrant.

to destroy'em.

Mrs. Pinchwife
Ay, but if he loves me, why shou'd he ruin me? answer me to that: methinks he shou'd not, I wou'd do him no harm.

Alithea
Hah, ha, ha.

Mr. Pinchwife
'Tis very well; but I'll keep him from doing you any harm, or me either.

Enter Sparkish and Harcourt.
But here comes Company, get you in, get you in.

Mrs. Pinchwife
But pray, Husband, is he a pretty Gentleman, that loves me?

Mr. Pinchwife
In baggage, in.
Wonderful!

Sparkish
Tell me, I say, Harcourt, how dost thou like her? thou hast star'd upon her enough, to resolve me.

Harcourt
So infinitely well, that I cou'd wish I had a Mistriss too, that might differ from her in nothing, but her love and engagement to you.

Alithea
Sir, Master Sparkish has often told me, that his Acquaintance were all Wits and Raillieurs, and now I find it.

Sparkish
No, by the Universe, Madam, he does not railly now; you may believe him: I do assure you, he is the honestest, worthyest, true hearted Gentleman---A man of such perfect honour, he wou'd say nothing to a Lady, he does not mean.

Mr. Pinchwife
Praising another Man to his Mistriss!

Harcourt
Sir, you are so beyond expectation obliging, that---

Sparkish
Nay, I gad, I am sure you do admire her extreamly, I see't in your eyes.---He does admire you Madam.---By the World, don't you?

Harcourt
Yes, above the World, or, the most glorious part of it, her whole Sex; and till now I never thought I shou'd have envy'd you, or any Man about to marry, but you have the best excuse for Marriage I ever knew.

Alithea
Nay, now, Sir, I'm satisfied you are of the Society of the Wits, and Raillieurs, since you cannot spare your Friend, even when he is but too civil to you; but the surest sign is, since you are an Enemy to Marriage, for that I hear you hate as much as business or bad Wine.

Harcourt
Truly, Madam, I never was an Enemy to Marriage, till now, because Marriage was never an Enemy to me before.

Alithea
But why, Sir, is Marriage an Enemy to you now? Because it robs you of your Friend here; for you look upon a Friend married, as one gone into a Monastery, that is dead to the World.

Harcourt
'Tis indeed, because you marry him; I see Madam, you can guess my meaning: I do confess heartily and openly, I wish it were in my power to break the Match, by Heavens I wou'd.

Sparkish
Poor Franck!

Alithea
Wou'd you be so unkind to me?

Harcourt
No, no, 'tis not because I wou'd be unkind to you.

Sparkish
Poor Franck, no gad, 'tis only his kindness to me.

Mr. Pinchwife
Great kindness to you indeed; insensible Fop, let a Man make love to his Wife to his face.

Prethee, Frank, dost think my Wife that shall be there a fine Person?

Harcourt
I cou'd gaze upon her, till I became as blind as you are.

Sparkish
How, as I am! how!

Harcourt
Because you are a Lover, and true Lovers are blind, stockblind.

Sparkish
True, true; but by the World, she has wit too, as well as beauty: go, go with her into a corner, and trye if she has wit, talk to her any thing, she's bashful before me.

Harcourt
Indeed if a Woman wants wit in a corner, she has it no where.

Alithea
Sir, you dispose of me a little before your time.---

late, Sir, and past all revocation.

Harcourt
Then so is my death.

Alithea
I wou'd not be unjust to him.

Harcourt
Then why to me so?

Alithea
I have no obligation to you.

Harcourt
My love.

Alithea
I had his before.

Harcourt
You never had it; he wants you see jealousie, the only infallible sign of it.

Alithea
Love proceeds from esteem; he cannot distrust my virtue, besides he loves me, or he wou'd not marry me.

Harcourt
Marrying you, is no more sign of his love, then bribing your Woman, that he may marry you, is a sign of his generosity: Marriage is rather a sign of interest, then love; and he that marries a fortune, covets a Mistress, not loves

her: But if you take Marriage for a sign of love, take it from me immediately.

Alithea
No, now you have put a scruple in my head; but in short, Sir, to end our dispute, I must marry him, my reputation wou'd suffer in the World else.

Harcourt
No, if you do marry him, with your pardon, Madam, your reputation suffers in the World, and you wou'd be thought in necessity for a cloak.

Alithea
Nay, now you are rude, Sir.---Mr. Sparkish, pray come hither, your Friend here is very troublesom, and very loving.

Harcourt
Hold, hold---

to hear him; besides he has been making love to me.

Harcourt
True damn'd tell-tale-Woman.

---

but why wou'd not you tell me so, faith.

Harcourt
Because I did not think on't, faith.

Sparkish
Come, Horner does not come, Harcourt, let's be gone to the new Play.---Come Madam.

Alithea
I will not go, if you intend to leave me alone in the Box, and run into the pit, as you use to do.

Sparkish
Pshaw, I'll leave Harcourt with you in the Box, to entertain you, and that's as good; if I sate in the Box, I shou'd be thought no Judge, but of trimmings.---Come away Harcourt, lead her down.

to my own Free-hold---How---
Enter my Lady Fidget, Mistriss Dainty Fidget, and Mistriss Squeamish.

Lady Fidget
Your Servant, Sir, where is your Lady? we are come to wait upon her to the new Play.

Mr. Pinchwife
New Play!

Lady Fidget
And my Husband will wait upon you presently.

Mr. Pinchwife
Damn your civility---
---Well it must out then, to tell you the truth, Ladies, which I was afraid to let you know before, least it might endanger your lives, my Wife has just now the Small Pox come out upon her, do not be frighten'd;

but pray, be gone Ladies, you shall not stay here in danger of your lives; pray get you gone Ladies.

Lady Fidget
No, no, we have all had'em.

Squeam.
Alack, alack.

Mrs. Dainty Fidget
Come, come, we must see how it goes with her, I understand the disease.

Lady Fidget
Come.

Mr. Pinchwife
Well, there is no being too hard for Women at their own weapon, lying, therefore I'll quit the Field.

for their titles only.

Squeam.
Ay, one wou'd think Men of honour shou'd not love no more, than marry out of their own rank.

Mrs. Dainty Fidget
Fye, fye upon'em, they are come to think cross breeding for themselves best, as well as for their Dogs, and Horses.

Lady Fidget
They are Dogs, and Horses for't.

Squeam.
One wou'd think if not for love, for vanity a little.

Mrs. Dainty Fidget
Nay, they do satisfy their vanity upon us sometimes; and are kind to us in their report, tell all the World they lye with us.

Lady Fidget
Damn'd Rascals, that we shou'd be only wrong'd by'em; to report a Man has had a Person, when he has not had a Person, is the greatest wrong in the whole World, that can be done to a person.

Squeam.
Well, 'tis an errant shame, Noble Persons shou'd be so wrong'd, and neglected.

Lady Fidget
But still 'tis an erranter shame for a Noble Person, to neglect her own honour, and defame her own Noble Person, with little inconsiderable Fellows, foh!---

Mrs. Dainty Fidget
I suppose the crime against our honour, is the same with a Man of quality as with another.

Lady Fidget
How! no sure the Man of quality is likest one's Husband, and therefore the fault shou'd be the less.

Mrs. Dainty Fidget
But then the pleasure shou'd be the less.

Lady Fidget
Fye, fye, fye, for shame Sister, whither shall we ramble? be continent in your discourse, or I shall hate you.

Mrs. Dainty Fidget
Besides an intrigue is so much the more notorious for the man's quality.

Squeam.
'Tis true, no body takes notice of a private Man, and therefore with him, 'tis more secret, and the crime's the less, when 'tis not known.

Lady Fidget
You say true; y faith I think you are in the right on't: 'tis not an injury to a Husband, till it be an injury to our honours; so that a Woman of honour looses no honour with a private Person; and to say truth---

Mrs. Dainty Fidget
So the little Fellow is grown a private Person--- with her---

Squeam.
Foh!

Lady Fidget
Let us leave the Room.

Sir Jaspar Fidget
Stay, stay, faith to tell you the naked truth.

Lady Fidget
Fye, Sir Jaspar, do not use that word naked.

Sir Jaspar Fidget
Well, well, in short I have business at Whitehal, and cannot go to the play with you, therefore wou'd have you go---

Lady Fidget
With those two to a Play?

Sir Jaspar Fidget
No, not with t'other, but with Mr. Horner, there can be no more scandal to go with him, than with Mr. Tatle, or Master Limberham.

Lady Fidget
With that nasty Fellow! no---no.

Sir Jaspar Fidget
Nay, prethee Dear, hear me.

I must-beg your pardon, Sir, and theirs, I will not be seen in Womens Company in publick again for the World.

Sir Jaspar Fidget
Ha, ha, strange Aversion!

Squeam.
No, he's for Womens company in private.

Sir Jaspar Fidget
He---poor Man---he! hah, ha, ha.

Mrs. Dainty Fidget
'Tis a greater shame amongst lew'd fellows to be

seen in virtuous Womens company, than for the Women to be seen with them.

Horner
Indeed, Madam, the time was I only hated virtuous Women, but now I hate the other too; I beg your pardon Ladies.

Lady Fidget
You are very obliging, Sir, because we wou'd not be troubled with you.

Sir Jaspar Fidget
In sober sadness he shall go.

Dorilant
Nay, if he wo'not, I am ready to wait upon the Ladies; and I think I am the fitter Man.

Sir Jaspar Fidget
You, Sir, no I thank you for that---Master Horner is a privileg'd Man amongst the virtuous Ladies, 'twill be a great while before you are so; heh, he, he, he's my Wive's Gallant, heh, he, he; no pray withdraw, Sir, for as I take it, the virtuous Ladies have no business with you.

Dorilant
And I am sure, he can have none with them: 'tis strange a Man can't come amongst virtuous Women now, but upon the same terms, as Men are admitted into the great Turks Seraglio; but Heavens keep me, from being an hombre Player with'em: but where is Pinchwife---

Horner your Mother was a Woman--- Hark you, Madam, take my advice in your anger; you know you often want one to make up your droling pack of hombre Players; and you may cheat him easily, for he's an ill Gamester, and consequently loves play: Besides you know, you have but two old civil Gentlemen (with stinking breaths too) to wait upon you abroad, take in the third, into your service; the other are but crazy: and a Lady shou'd have a supernumerary Gentleman-Usher, as a supernumerary Coach-horse, least sometimes you shou'd be forc'd to stay at home.

Lady Fidget
But are you sure he loves play, and has money?

Sir Jaspar Fidget
He loves play as much as you, and has money as much as I.

Lady Fidget
Then I am contented to make him pay for his scurrillity; money makes up in a measure all other wants in Men.--- Those whom we cannot make hold for Gallants, we make fine.

Faith, thou sha't for my sake, come for my sake only.

Horner
For your sake---

Sir Jaspar Fidget
Come, come, here's a Gamester for you, let him

be a little familiar sometimes; nay, what if a little rude; Gamesters may be rude with Ladies, you know.

Lady Fidget
Yes, losing Gamesters have a privilege with Women.

Horner
I alwayes thought the contrary, that the winning Gamester had most privilege with Women, for when you have lost your money to a Man, you'l loose any thing you have, all you have, they say, and he may use you as he pleases.

Sir Jaspar Fidget
Heh, he, he, well, win or loose you shall have your liberty with her.

Lady Fidget
As he behaves himself; and for your sake I'll give him admittance and freedom.

Horner
All sorts of freedom, Madam?

Sir Jaspar Fidget
Ay, ay, ay, all forts of freedom thou can'st take, and so go to her, begin thy new employment; wheedle her, jest with her, and be better acquainted one with another.

Horner
I think I know her already, therefore may venter with her, my secret for hers---

There's a Play-fellow indeed.

Sir Jaspar Fidget
Yes sure, what he is good enough to play at Cards, Blind-mans buff, or the fool with sometimes.

Squeam.
Foh, we'l have no such Play-fellows.

Mrs. Dainty Fidget
No, Sir, you shan't choose Play-fellows for us, we thank you.

Sir Jaspar Fidget
Nay, pray hear me.

Horner
As perfectly, perfectly, Madam; nay, I scorn you shou'd take my word; I desire to be try'd only, Madam.

Lady Fidget
Well, that's spoken again like a Man of honour, all Men of honour desire to come to the test: But indeed, generally you Men report such things of your selves, one does not know how, or whom to believe; and it is come to that pass, we dare not take your words, no more than your Taylors, without some staid Servant of yours be bound with you; but I have so strong a faith in your honour, dear, dear, noble Sir, that I'd forfeit mine for yours at any time, dear Sir.

Horner
No, Madam, you shou'd not need to forfeit it for me, I have given you security already to save you harmless my late reputation being so well known in the World, Madam.

Lady.
But if upon any future falling out, or upon a suspition of my taking the trust out of your hands, to employ some other, you your self shou'd betray your trust, dear Sir; I mean, if you'l give me leave to speak obscenely, you might tell, dear Sir.

Horner
If I did, no body wou'd believe me; the reputation of impotency is as hardly recover'd again in the World, as that of cowardise, dear Madam.

Lady Fidget
Nay then, as one may say, you may do your worst, dear, dear, Sir.

Sir Jaspar Fidget
Come, is your Ladyship reconciled to him yet? have you agreed on matters? for I must be gone to Whitehal.

Lady Fidget
Why, indeed, Sir Jaspar, Master Horner is a thousand, thousand times a better Man, than I thought him: Cosen Squeamish, Sister Dainty, I can name him now, truly not long ago you know, I thought his very name obscenity, and I wou'd as soon have lain with him, as have nam'd him.

Sir Jaspar Fidget
Very likely, poor Madam.

Mrs. Dainty Fidget
I believe it.

Squeam.
No doubt on't.

Sir Jaspar Fidget
Well, well---that your Ladyship is as virtuous as any she,---I know, and him all the Town knows---heh, he,

he; therefore now you like him, get you gone to your business together; go, go, to your business, I say, pleasure, whilst I go to my pleasure, business.

Lady Fidget
Come than dear Gallant.

Horner
Come away, my dearest Mistriss.

Sir Jaspar Fidget
So, so, why 'tis as I'd have it.

Alithea
A Confessor! just such a Confessor, as he that by forbidding a silly Oastler to grease the Horses teeth, taught him to do't.

Mr. Pinchwife
Come Mistriss Flippant, good Precepts are lost, when bad Examples are still before us; the liberty you take abroad makes her hanker after it; and out of humour at home, poor Wretch! she desired not to come to London, I wou'd bring her.

Alithea
Very well.

Mr. Pinchwife
She has been this week in Town, and never desired, till this afternoon, to go abroad.

Alithea
Was she not at a Play yesterday?

Mr. Pinchwife
Yes, but she ne'er ask'd me; I was my self the cause of her going.

Alithea
Then if she ask you again, you are the cause of her asking, and not my example.

Mr. Pinchwife
Well, to morrow night I shall be rid of you; and the next day before 'tis light, she and I'll be rid of the Town, and my dreadful apprehensions: Come, be not melancholly, for thou sha't go into the Country after to morrow, Dearest.

Alithea
Great comfort.

Mrs. Pinchwife
Pish, what d'ye tell me of the Country for?

Mr. Pinchwife
How's this! what, pish at the Country?

Mrs. Pinchwife
Let me alone, I am not well.

Mr. Pinchwife
O, if that be all---what ailes my dearest?

Mrs. Pinchwife
Truly I don't know; but I have not been well, since you told me there was a Gallant at the Play in love with me.

Mr. Pinchwife
Ha---

Alithea
That's by my example too.

Mr. Pinchwife
Nay, if you are not well, but are so concern'd, because a lew'd Fellow chanc'd to lye, and say he lik'd you, you'l make me sick too.

Mrs. Pinchwife
Of what sickness?

Mr. Pinchwife
O, of that which is worse than the Plague, Jealousy.

Mrs. Pinchwife
Pish, you jear, I'm sure there's no such disease in our Receipt-book at home.

Mr. Pinchwife
No, thou never met'st with it, poor Innocent--- well, if thou Cuckold me, 'twill be my own fault--- for Cuckolds and Bastards, are generally makers of their own fortune.

But now I think on't, who was the cause of Horners coming to my Lodging to day? that was you.

Alithea
No, you, because you wou'd not let him see your handsome Wife out of your Lodging.

Mrs, Mr. Pinchwife
Why, O Lord! did the Gentleman come hither to see me indeed?

Mr. Pinchwife
No, no;---You are not cause of that damn'd question too, Mistriss Alithea?---

Mr. Pinchwife
Pshaw, a Mask makes People but the more inquisitive, and is as ridiculous a disguise, as a stage-beard; her shape, stature, habit will be known: and if we shou'd meet with Horner, he wou'd be sure to take acquaintance with us, must wish her joy, kiss her, talk to her, leer upon her, and the Devil and all; no I'll not use her to a Mask, 'tis dangerous; for Masks have made more Cuckolds, than the best faces that ever were known.

Alithea
How will you do then?

Mrs. Pinchwife
Nay, shall we go? the Exchange will be shut, and I have a mind to see that.

Mr. Pinchwife
So---I have it---I'll dress her up in the Suit, we are to carry down to her Brother, little Sir James; nay, I understand the Town tricks: Come let's go dress her; a Mask! no---a Woman mask'd, like a cover'd Dish, gives a Man curiosity, and appetite, when, it may be, uncover'd, 'twou'd turn his stomack; no, no.

Alithea
Indeed your comparison is something a greasie one: but I had a gentle Gallant, us'd to say, a Beauty mask'd, lik'd the Sun in Eclipse, gathers together more gazers, than if it shin'd out.

all those Women, like a drone in the hive, all upon you; shov'd and ill-us'd by'em all, and thrust from one side to t'other.

Dar.
Yet he must be buzzing amongst'em still, like other old beetle-headed, lycorish drones; avoid'em, and hate'm as they hate you.

Hor,
Because I do hate'em, and wou'd hate'em yet more, I'll frequent'em; you may see by Marriage, nothing makes a Man hate a Woman more, than her constant conversation: In short, I converse with'em, as you do with rich Fools; to laugh at'em, and use'em ill.

Dorilant
But I wou'd no more Sup with Women, unless I cou'd lye with'em, than Sup with a rich Coxcomb, unless I cou'd cheat him.

Horner
Yes, I have known thee Sup with a Fool, for his drinking, if he cou'd set out your hand that way only, you were satisfy'd; and if he were a Wine-swallowing mouth 'twas enough.

Harcourt
Yes, a Man drink's often with a Fool, as he tosses with a Marker, only to keep his hand in Ure; but do the Ladies drink?

Horner
Yes, Sir, and I shall have the pleasure at least of laying'em flat with a Bottle; and bring as much scandal that way upon'em, as formerly t'other.

Harcourt
Perhaps you may prove as weak a Brother amongst'em that way, as t'other.

Dorilant
Foh, drinking with Women, is as unnatural, as scolding with'em; but 'tis a pleasure of decay'd Fornicators, and the basest way of quenching Love.

Harcourt
Nay, 'tis drowning Love, instead of quenching it; but leave us for civil Women too!

Dorilant
Ay, when he can't be the better for'em; we hardly pardon a Man, that leaves his Friend for a Wench, and that's a pretty lawful call.

Horner
Faith, I wou'd not leave you for'em, if they wou'd not drink.

Dorilant
Who wou'd disappoint his Company at Lewis's, for a Gossiping?

Harcourt
Foh, Wine and Women good apart, together as nauseous as Sack and Sugar: But hark you, Sir, before you go, a little of your advice, an old maim'd General, when unfit for action is fittest for Counsel; I have other designs upon Women, than eating and drinking with them: I am in

love with Sparkish's Mistriss, whom he is to marry to morrow, now how shall I get her?
Enter Sparkish, looking about.

Horner
Why, here comes one will help you to her.

Harcourt
He! he, I tell you, is my Rival, and will hinder my love.

Horner
No, a foolish Rival, and a jealous Husband assist their Rivals designs; for they are sure to make their Women hate them, which is the first step to their love, for another Man.

Harcourt
But I cannot come near his Mistriss, but in his company.

Horner
Still the better for you, for Fools are most easily cheated, when they themselves are accessaries; and he is to be bubled of his Mistriss, as of his Money, the common Mistriss, by keeping him company.

Sparkish
Who is that, that is to be bubled? Faith let me snack, I han't met with a buble since Christmas: gad; I think bubles are like their Brother Woodcocks, go out with the cold weather.

Harcourt
A Pox, he did not hear all I hope.

O your Servant, Sir; are you at your raillery, Sir? but we were some of us beforehand with you to day at the

Play: the Wits were something bold with you, Sir; did you not hear us laugh?

Harcourt
Yes, But I thought you had gone to Plays, to laugh at the Poets wit, not at your own.

Sparkish
Your Servant, Sir, no I thank you; gad I go to a Play as to a Country-treat, I carry my own wine to one, and my own wit to t'other, or else I'm sure I shou'd not be merry at either; and the reason why we are so often lowder, than the Players, is, because we think we speak more wit, and so become the Poets Rivals in his audience: for to tell you the truth, we hate the silly Rogues; nay, so much that we find fault even with their Bawdy upon the Stage, whilst we talk nothing else in the Pit as lowd.

Horner
But, why should'st thou hate the silly Poets, thou hast too much wit to be one, and they like Whores are only hated by each other; and thou dost scorn writing, I'am sure.

Sparkish
Yes, I'd have you to know, I scorn writing; but Women, Women, that make Men do all foolish things, make'em write Songs too; every body does it: 'tis ev'n as common with Lovers, as playing with fans; and you can no more help Rhyming to your Phyllis, than drinking to your Phyllis.

Harcourt
Nay, Poetry in love is no more to be avoided, than jealousy.

Dorilant
But the Poets damn'd your Songs, did they?

Sparkish
Damn the Poets, they turn'd'em into Burlesque, as they call it; that Burlesque is a Hocus-Pocus-trick, they have got, which by the virtue of Hictius doctius, topsey turvey, they make a wise and witty Man in the World, a Fool upon the Stage you know not how; and 'tis therefore I hate'em too, for I know not but it may be my own case; for they'l put a Man into a Play for looking a Squint: Their Predecessors were contented to make Serving-men only their Stage-Fools, but these Rogues must have Gentlemen, with a Pox to'em, nay Knights: and indeed you shall hardly see a Fool upon the Stage, but he's a Knight; and to tell you the truth, they have kept me these six years from being a Knight in earnest, for fear of being knighted in a Play, and dubb'd a Fool.

Dorilant
Blame'em not, they must follow their Copy, the Age.

Harcourt
But why should'st thou be afraid of being in a Play, who expose your self every day in the Play-houses, and as publick Places.

Horner
'Tis but being on the Stage, instead of standing on a Bench in the Pit.

Dorilant
Don't you give money to Painters to draw you like? and are you afraid of your Pictures, at length in a Play-house, where all your Mistresses may see you.

Sparkish
A Pox, Painters don't draw the Small Pox, or Pimples in ones face; come damn all your silly Authors whatever, all Books and Booksellers, by the World, and all Readers, courteous or uncourteous.

Harcourt
But, who comes here, Sparkish?
Enter Mr. Pinchwife, and his Wife in Mans Cloaths, Alithea, Lucy her Maid.

Sparkish
Oh hide me, there's my Mistriss too.

Sparkish hides himself behind Harcourt.

Harcourt
She sees you.

Sparkish
But I will not see her, 'tis time to go to Whitehal, and I must not fail the drawing Room.

Harcourt
Pray, first carry me, and reconcile me to her.

Sparkish
Another time, faith the King will have sup't.

Harcourt
Not with the worse stomach for thy absence; thou art one of those Fools, that think their attendance at the King's Meals, as necessary as his Physicians, when you are more troublesom to him, than his Doctors, or his Dogs.

Sparkish
Pshaw, I know my interest, Sir, prethee hide me.

Horner
Your Servant, Pinchwife,---what he knows us not---

Mr. Pinchwife
Come along.

Mr. Pinchwife
No, Playes are not for your reading; come along, will you discover your self?

and when we have once got to her as we desire, we throw him off like other Cloaks.

santerers of this place, and they will leave their dear Seamstresses to follow us; what a swarm of Cuckolds, and Cuckold-makers are here?
Ay indeed, Madam, too, too cruel to me, to hate my Friend for my sake.

Alithea
I hate him because he is your Enemy; and you ought to hate him too, for making love to me, if you love me.

Sparkish
That's a good one, I hate a Man for loving you; if he did love you, 'tis but what he can't help, and 'tis your fault not his, if he admires you: I hate a Man for being of my opinion, I'll ne'er do't, by the World.

Alithea
Is it for your honour or mine, to suffer a Man to make love to me, who am to marry you to morrow?

Sparkish
Is it for your honour or mine, to have me jealous? That he makes love to you, is a sign you are handsome; and that I am not jealous, is a sign you are virtuous, that I think is for your honour.

Alithea
But 'tis your honour too, I am concerned for.

Harcourt
But why, dearest Madam, will you be more concern'd for his honour, than he is himself; let his honour alone for my sake, and his, he, he, has no honour---

Sparkish
How's that?

Harcourt
But what, my dear Friend can guard himself.

Sparkish
O ho---that's right again.

Harcourt
Your care of his honour argues his neglect of it, which is no honour to my dear Friend here; therefore once more, let his honour go which way it will, dear Madam.

Sparkish
Ay, ay, were it for my honour to marry a Woman, whose virtue I suspected, and cou'd not trust her in a Friends hands?

Alithea
Are you not afraid to loose me?

Harcourt
He afraid to loose you, Madam! No, no---you may see how the most estimable, and most glorious Creature in the World, is valued by him; will you not see it?

Sparkish
Right, honest Franck, I have that noble value for her, that I cannot be jealous of her.

Alithea
You mistake him, he means you care not for me, nor who has me.

Sparkish
Lord, Madam, I see you are jealous; will you wrest a poor Mans meaning from his words?

Alithea
You astonish me, Sir, with your want of jealousie.

Sparkish
And you make me guiddy, Madam, with your jealousie, and fears, and virtue, and honour; gad, I see virtue makes a Woman as troublesome, as a little reading, or learning.

Alithea
Monstrous!

Lucy.
Pshaw---

Harcourt
Come, Madam, you see you strive in vain to make him jealous of me; my dear Friend is the kindest Creature in the World to me.

Sparkish
Poor fellow.

Harcourt
But his kindness only is not enough for me, without your favour; your good opinion, dear Madam, 'tis that must perfect my happiness: good Gentleman he believes all I say, wou'd you wou'd do so, jealous of me! I wou'd not wrong him nor you for the World.

Sparkish
Look you there; hear him, hear him, and do not walk away so.

Alithea walks carelessly, to and fro.

Harcourt
I love you, Madam, so---

Sparkish
How's that! Nay---now you begin to go too far indeed.

Harcourt
So much I confess, I say I love you, that I wou'd not have you miserable, and cast your self away upon so unworthy, and inconsiderable a thing, as what you see here,

Clapping his hand on his breast, points at Sparkish.

Sparkish
No faith, I believe thou woud'st not, now his meaning is plain: but I knew before thou woud'st not wrong me nor her.

Harcourt
No, no, Heavens forbid, the glory of her Sex shou'd fall so, low as into the embraces of such a contemptible Wretch, the last of Mankind---my dear Friend here--- I injure him.

Sparkish
Nay, nay, Madam, pray stay, his love to you: Lord, Madam, has he not spoke yet plain enough?

Alithea
Yes indeed, I shou'd think so.

Sparkish
Well then, by the World, a Man can't speak civilly to a Woman now, but presently she says, he makes love to her: Nay, Madam, you shall stay, with your pardon, since you have not yet understood him, till he has made an eclaircisment of his love to you, that is what kind of love it is; answer to thy Catechisme: Friend, do you love my Mistriss here?

Harcourt
Yes, I wish she wou'd not doubt it.

Sparkish
But how do you love her?

Harcourt
With all my Soul.

Alithea
I thank him, methinks he speaks plain enough now.

Sparkish
You are out still.

Harcourt
Who knows, if it be possible, how to value so much beauty and virtue.

Sparkish
Ay.

Harcourt
Whose love can no more be equall'd in the world, than that Heavenly form of yours.

Sparkish
No---

Harcourt
Who cou'd no more suffer a Rival, than your absence, and yet cou'd no more suspect your virtue, than his own constancy in his love to you.

Sparkish
No---

Harcourt
Who in fine loves you better than his eyes, that first made him love you.

Sparkish
Ay---nay, Madam, faith you shan't go, till---

Alithea
Have a care, lest you make me stay too long---

Sparkish
But till he has saluted you; that I may be assur'd you are friends, after his honest advice and declaration: Come pray, Madam, be friends with him.
Enter Master Pinchwife, Mistriss Pinchwife.

Alithea
You must pardon me, Sir, that I am not yet so obedient to you.

Mr. Pinchwife
What, invite your Wife to kiss Men? Monstrous, are you not asham'd? I will never forgive you.

Sparkish
Are you not asham'd, that I shou'd have more confidence in the chastity of your Family, than you have; you must not teach me, I am a man of honour, Sir, though I am frank and free; I am frank, Sir---

Mr. Pinchwife
Very frank, Sir, to share your Wife with your friends.

Sparkish
He is an humble, menial Friend, such as reconciles the differences of the Marriage-bed; you know Man and Wife do not alwayes agree, I design him for that use, therefore wou'd have him well with my Wife.

Mr. Pinchwife
A menial Friend---you will get a great many menial Friends, by shewing your Wife as you do.

Sparkish
What then, it may be I have a pleasure in't, as I have to shew fine Clothes, at a Play-house the first day, and count money before poor Rogues.

Mr. Pinchwife
He that shews his wife, or money will be in danger of having them borrowed sometimes.

Sparkish
I love to be envy'd, and wou'd not marry a Wife, that I alone cou'd love; loving alone is as dull, as eating alone; is it not a frank age, and I am a frank Person? and to tell you the truth, it may be I love to have Rivals in a Wife, they make her seem to a Man still, but as a kept Mistriss; and so good night, for I must to Whitehal. Madam, I hope you are now reconcil'd to my Friend; and so I wish you a good night, Madam, and sleep if you can, for to morrow you know I must visit you early with a Canonical Gentleman. Good night dear Harcourt.

you must yet forbear your freedom with her, Sir.

Coming between Alithea and Harcourt.

Harcourt
Must, Sir---

Mr. Pinchwife
Yes, Sir, she is my Sister.

Harcourt
'Tis well she is, Sir---for I must be her Servant, Sir. Madam---

Mr. Pinchwife
Come away Sister, we had been gone, if it had not been for you, and so avoided these lewd Rakehells, who seem to haunt us.
Enter Horner, Dorilant to them.

Horner
How now Pinchwife?

Mr. Pinchwife
Your Servant.

Horner
What, I see a little time in the Country makes a Man turn wild and unsociable, and only fit to converse with his Horses, Dogs, and his Herds.

Mr. Pinchwife
I have business, Sir, and must mind it; your business is pleasure, therefore you and I must go different wayes.

Horner
Well, you may go on, but this pretty young Gentleman---

Horner
Shall stay with us, for I suppose their business is the same with ours, pleasure.

Mr. Pinchwife
'Sdeath he knows her, she carries it so sillily, yet if he does not, I shou'd be more silly to discover it first.

Had you not rather stay with us?
Harcourt, Dorilant, look you here, this is the likeness of that Dowdey he told us of, his Wife, did you ever see a lovelyer Creature? the Rogue has reason to be jealous of his Wife, since she is like him, for she wou'd make all that see her, in love with her.

Harcourt
And as I remember now, she is as like him here as can be.

Dorilant
She is indeed very pretty, if she be like him.

Horner
Very pretty, a very pretty commendation---she is a glorious Creature, beautiful beyond all things I ever beheld.

Mr. Pinchwife
So, so.

Harcourt
More beautiful than a Poets first Mistriss of Imagination.

Horner
Or another Mans last Mistriss of flesh and blood.

Mrs. Pinchwife
Nay, now you jeer, Sir; pray don't jeer me---

Mr. Pinchwife
Come, come. How?

Horner
I'll shew you.

Mr. Pinchwife
Come, pray let him go, I cannot stay fooling any longer; I tell you his Sister stays supper for us.

Horner
Do's she, come then we'l all go sup with her and thee.

Mr. Pinchwife
No, now I think on't, having staid so long for us, I warrant she's gone to bed---
He is something more civil to you, for your kindness to his Sister, than I am, it seems.

Horner
Tell her, dear sweet little Gentleman, for all your Brother there, that you have reviv'd the love, I had for her at first sight in the Play-house.

Mrs. Pinchwife
But did you love her indeed, and indeed?

Mr. Pinchwife
So, so.
O Heavens! what do I suffer; now 'tis too plain he knows her, and yet---

Harcourt
Hold Madam, hold, let him present him, he'l come presently; nay, I will never let you go, till you answer my question.

Alithea, Lucy strugling with Harcourt, and Dorilant.

Lucy.
For God's sake, Sir, I must follow'em.

Dorilant
No, I have something to present you with too, you shan't follow them.
Pinchwife returns.

Mr. Pinchwife
Where?---how?---what's become of? gone--- whither?

Lucy.
He's only gone with the Gentleman, who will give him something, an't please your Worship.

Mr. Pinchwife
Something---give him something, with a Pox--- where are they?

Alithea
In the next walk only, Brother.

Mr. Pinchwife
Only, only; where, where?

Exit Pinchwife, and returns presently, then goes out again.

Harcourt
What's the matter with him? why so much concern'd? but dearest Madam---

Alithea
Pray, let me go, Sir, I have said, and suffer'd enough already.

Harcourt
Then you will not look upon, nor pitty my sufferings?

Alithea
To look upon'em, when I cannot help'em, were cruelty, not pitty, therefore I will never see you more.

Harcourt
Let me then, Madam, have my priviledge of a banished Lover, complaining or railing, and giving you but a farewell reason; why, if you cannot condescend to marry me, you shou'd not take that wretch my Rival.

Alithea
He only, not you, since my honour is engag'd so far to him, can give me a reason, why I shou'd not marry him; but if he be true, and what I think him to me, I must be so to him; your Servant, Sir.

Harcourt
Have Women only constancy when 'tis a vice, and like fortune only true to fools?

Dorilant
Thou sha't not stir thou robust Creature, you see I can deal with you, thereforefore you shou'd stay the rather,

and be kind.

The fine Gentleman has given me better things yet.

Mr. Pinchwife
Ha's he so?

Sir Jaspar Fidget
But pray, don't let her know so much, the truth on't is, I was advancing a certain Project to his Majesty, about---I'll tell you.

Horner
No, let's go, and hear it at your house: Good night sweet little Gentleman; one kiss more, you'l remember me now I hope.

are none but civil Women there, which are not for your turn; he you know can bear with the society of civil Women, now, ha, ha, ha; besides he's one of my Family;---he's--- heh, heh, heh.

Dorilant
What is he?

Sir Jaspar Fidget
Faith my Eunuch, since you'l have it, heh, he, he.

of it.

The Gallant treates, presents, and gives the Ball;
But 'tis the absent Cuckold, pays for all.

ACT 4.

SCENE 1.
In Pinchwife's house in the morning.
Lucy, Alithea dress'd in new Cloths.

Lucy.
Well---Madam, now have I dress'd you, and set you out with so many ornaments, and spent upon you ounces of essence, and pulvilio; and all this for no other purpose, but as People adorn, and perfume a Corps, for a stinking second-hand-grave, such or as bad I think Master Sparkish's bed.

Alithea
Hold your peace.

Lucy.
Nay, Madam, I will ask you the reason, why you wou'd banish poor Master Harcourt for ever from your sight? how cou'd you be so hard-hearted?

Alithea
'Twas because I was not hard-hearted.

Lucy.
No, no; 'twas 'stark love and kindness, I warrant.

Alithea
It was so; I wou'd see him no more, because I love him.

Lucy.
Hey day, a very pretty reason.

Alithea
You do not understand me.

Lucy.
I wish you may your self.

Alithea
I was engag'd to marry, you see, another man, whom my justice will not suffer me to deceive, or injure.

Lucy.
Can there be a greater cheat, or wrong done to a Man, than to give him your person, without your heart, I shou'd make a conscience of it.

Alithea
I'll retrieve it for him after I am married a while.

Lucy.
The Woman that marries to love better, will be as much mistaken, as the Wencher that marries to live better. No, Madam, marrying to encrease love, is like gaming to become rich; alas you only loose, what little stock you had before.

Alithea
I find by your Rhetorick you have been brib'd to betray me.

Lucy.
Only by his merit, that has brib'd your heart you see against your word, and rigid honour; but what a Divel is this honour? 'tis sure a disease in the head, like the Megrim, or Falling-sickness, that alwayes hurries People away to do themselves mischief; Men loose their lives by it: Women what's dearer to'em, their love, the life of life.

Alithea
Come, pray talk you no more of honour, nor Master Harcourt; I wish the other wou'd come, to secure my fidelity to him, and his right in me.

Lucy.
You will marry him then?

Alithea
Certainly, I have given him already my word, and will my hand too, to make it good when he comes.

Lucy.
Well, I wish I may never stick pin more, if he be not an errant Natural, to t'other fine Gentleman.

Alithea
I own he wants the wit of Harcourt, which I will dispense withal, for another want he has, which is want of jealousie, which men of wit seldom want.

Lucy.
Lord, Madam, what shou'd you do with a fool to your Husband, you intend to be honest don't you? then that husbandly virtue, credulity, is thrown away upon you.

Alithea
He only that could suspect my virtue, shou'd have cause to do it; 'tis Sparkish's confidence in my truth, that obliges me to be so faithful to him.

Lucy.
You are not sure his opinion may last.

Alithea
I am satisfied, 'tis impossible for him to be jealous, after the proofs I have had of him: Jealousie in a Husband, Heaven defend me from it, it begets a thousand plagues to a poor Woman, the loss of her honour, her quiet, and her---

Lucy.
And her pleasure.

Alithea
What d'ye mean, Impertinent?

Lucy.
Liberty is a great pleasure, Madam.

Alithea
I say loss of her honour, her quiet, nay, her life sometimes; and what's as bad almost, the loss of this Town, that is, she is sent into the Country, which is the last ill usage of a Husband to a Wife, I think.

Lucy.
O do's the wind lye there?
Madam, your humble Servant, a happy day to you, and to us all.

Harcourt
Amen.---

Alithea
Who have we here?

Sparkish
My Chaplain faith---O Madam, poor Harcourt remembers his humble service to you; and in obedience to your last commands, refrains coming into your sight.

Alithea
Is not that he?

Sparkish
No, fye no; but to shew that he ne're intended to hinder our Match has sent his Brother here to joyn our hands: when I get me a Wife, I must get her a Chaplain, according to the Custom; this is his Brother, and my Chaplain.

Alithea
His Brother?

Lucy.
And your Chaplain, to preach in your Pulpit then---

Sparkish
Dearest of my life, hear me, I tell you this is Ned Harcourt of Cambridge, by the world, you see he has a sneaking Colledg look; 'tis true he's something like his Brother Frank and they differ from each other no more than in their age, for they were Twins.

Lucy.
Hah, ha, he.

Alithea
Your Servant, Sir, I cannot be so deceiv'd, though you are; but come let's hear, how do you know what you affirm so confidently?

Sparkish
Why, I'll tell you all; Frank Harcourt coming to me this morning, to wish me joy and present his service to you: I ask'd him, if he cou'd help me to a Parson; whereupon he told me, he had a Brother in Town who was in Orders, and he went straight away, and sent him, you see there, to me.

Alithea
Yes, Frank goes, and puts on a black-coat, then tell's you, he is Ned, that's all you have for't.

Spar,
Pshaw, pshaw, I tell you by the same token, the Midwife put her Garter about Frank's neck, to know'em asunder, they were so like.

Alithea
Frank tell's you this too.

Sparkish
Ay, and Ned there too; nay, they are both in a Story.

Alithea
So, so, very foolish.

Sparkish
Lord, if you won't believe one, you had best trye him by your Chamber-maid there; for Chamber-maids must needs know Chaplains from other Men, they are so us'd to'em.

Lucy.
Let's see; nay, I'll be sworn he has the Canonical smirk, and the filthy, clammy palm of a Chaplain.

Alithea
Well, most reverend Doctor, pray let us make an end of this fooling.

Harcourt
With all my soul, Divine, Heavenly Creature, when you please.

Alithea
He speaks like a Chaplain indeed.

Sparkish
Why, was there not, soul, Divine, Heavenly, in what he said.

Alithea
Once more, most impertinent Black-coat, cease your persecution, and let us have a Conclusion of this ridiculous love.

Harcourt
I had forgot, I must sute my Stile to my Coat, or I wear it in vain.

which I might do, if you your self wou'd; for my Noble, Good-natur'd and thrice Generous Patron here wou'd not hinder it.

Sparkish
No, poor man, not I faith.

Harcourt
And now, Madam, let me tell you plainly, no body else shall marry you by Heavens, I'll die first, for I'm sure I shou'd die after it.

Lucy.
How his Love has made him forget his Function, as I have seen it in real Parsons.

Alithea
That was spoken like a Chaplain too, now you understand him, I hope.

Sparkish
Poor man, he takes it hainously to be refus'd; I can't blame him, 'tis putting an indignity upon him not to be suffer'd, but you'l pardon me Madam, it shan't be, he shall marry us, come away, pray Madam.

Lucy.
Hah, ha, he, more ado! 'tis late.

Alithea
Invincible stupidity, I tell you he wou'd marry me, as your Rival, not as your Chaplain.

Sparkish
Come, come Madam.

revokes a hasty doom; at worst, if she will not take mercy on me, and let me marry her, I have at least the Lovers second pleasure, hindring my Rivals enjoyment, though but for a time.

Sparkish
Come Madam, 'tis e'ne twelve a clock, and my Mother charg'd me never to be married out of the Canonical hours; come, come, Lord here's such a deal of modesty, I warrant the first day.

Lucy.
Yes, an't please your Worship, married women shew all their Modesty the first day, because married men shew all their love the first day.

Exeunt Sparkish, Alithea, Harcourt, and Lucy.
The Scene changes to a Bed-chamber, where appear Pinchwife, Mrs. Pinchwife.

Mr. Pinch.
Come tell me, I say.

Mrs. Pinch.
Lord, han't I told it an hundred times over.

Mr. Pinch.
I wou'd try, if in the repetition of the ungrateful tale, I cou'd find her altering it in the least circumstance, for if her story be false, she is so too.

But presently came up the Gentlewoman of the house.

Mr. Pinchwife
O 'twas well she did, but what did he do whilest the fruit came?

Mrs. Pinchwife
He kiss'd me an hundred times, and told me he fancied he kiss'd my fine Sister, meaning me you know, whom he said he lov'd with all his Soul, and bid me be sure to tell her so, and to desire her to be at her window, by eleven of

the clock this morning, and he wou'd walk under it at that time.

Mr. Pinchwife
And he was as good as his word, very punctual, a pox reward him for't.

An eternal canker seize it, for a dog.

Mrs. Pinchwife
Nay, you need not be so angry with him neither, for to say truth, he has the sweetest breath I ever knew.

Mr. Pinchwife
The Devil---you were satisfied with it then, and wou'd do it again.

Mrs. Pinchwife
Not unless he shou'd force me.

Mr. Pinchwife
Force you, changeling! I tell you no woman can be forced.

Mrs. Pinchwife
Yes, but she may sure, by such a one as he, for he's a proper, goodly strong man, 'tis hard, let me tell you, to resist him.

Mr. Pinchwife
So, 'tis plain she loves him, yet she has not love enough to make her conceal it from me, but the sight of him will increase her aversion for me, and love for him; and that love instruct her how to deceive me, and satisfie him, all Ideot as she is: Love, 'twas he gave women first their craft, their art of deluding; out of natures hands, they came plain, open, silly and fit for slaves, as she and Heaven intended'em; but damn'd Love---Well---I must strangle that little Monster, whilest I can deal with him.

Go fetch Pen, Ink and Paper out of the next room:

Mrs Mr. Pinchwife
Yes Bud.

Come, Minks, sit down and write.

Mrs. Pinchwife
Ay, dear Bud, but I can't do't very well.

Mr. Pinchwife
I wish you cou'd not at all.

Mrs. Pinchwife
But what shou'd I write for?

Mr. Pinchwife
I'll have you write a Letter to your Lover.

Mrs. Pinchwife
O Lord, to the fine Gentleman a Letter!

Mr. Pinchwife
Yes, to the fine Gentleman.

Mrs. Pinchwife
Lord, you do but jeer; sure you jest.

Mr. Pinchwife
I am not so merry, come write as I bid you.

Mrs. Pinchwife
What, do you think I am a fool?

Mr. Pinchwife
She's afraid I would not dictate any love to him, therefore she's unwilling; but you had best begin.

Mrs. Pinchwife
Indeed, and indeed, but I won't, so I won't.

Mr. Pinchwife
Why?

Mrs. Pinchwife
Because he's in Town, you may send for him if you will.

Mr. Pinchwife
Very well, you wou'd have him brought to you; is it come to this? I say take the pen and write, or you'll provoke me.

Mrs. Pinchwife
Lord, what d'ye make a fool of me for? Don't I know that Letters are never writ, but from the Countrey to London, and from London into the Countrey; now he's in Town, and I am in Town too; therefore I can't write to him you know.

Mr. Pinchwife
So I am glad it is no worse, she is innocent enough yet

something more than bare Sir.

Mr. Pinchwife
Write as I bid you, or I will write Whore with this Penknife in your Face.

Mrs. Pinchwife
Nay good Bud---Sir---

O Lord, I will.

Mr. Pinchwife
So---so---Let's see now!

Mrs. Pinchwife
So---h---

No, tormenting Fiend; her stile I find wou'd be very soft.

say to you, I hate you poor Mr. Horner---but I won't tell a lye for him---there---for I'm sure if you and I were

in the Countrey at cards together,---so---I cou'd not help treading on your Toe under the Table---so---or rubbing knees with you, and staring in your face, 'till you saw me ---very well---and then looking down, and blushing for an hour together---so---but I must make haste before my Husband come; and now he has taught me to write Letters: You shall have longer ones from me, who am
Dear, dear, poor dear Mr. Horner, your most Humble Friend, and Servant to command 'till death, Margery Pinchwife.
Stay I must give him a hint at bottom---so---now wrap it up just like t'other---so---now write for Mr. Horner,--- But oh now what shall I do with it? for here comes my Husband.
Enter Pinchwife.

Mr. Pinchwife
I have been detained by a Sparkish Coxcomb, who pretended a visit to me; but I fear 'twas to my Wife.

Lord, what shall I do now? Nay then I have it---

Mrs. Pinchwife
Yes indeed, but I wou'd, Bud, now.

Mr. Pinchwife
Well you are a good Girl then, come let me lock you up in your chamber, 'till I come back; and be sure you come not within three strides of the window, when I am gone; for I have a spye in the street.

not the luck of all your brother Projectors, to deceive only your self at last.

Horner
No, good Domine Doctor, I deceive you it seems, and others too; for the grave Matrons, and old ridgid Husbands think me as unfit for love, as they are; but their Wives, Sisters and Daughters, know some of'em better things already.

Quack.
Already!

Horner
Already, I say; last night I was drunk with half a dozen of your civil persons, as you call'em, and people of Honour, and so was made free of their Society, and dressing rooms for ever hereafter; and am already come to the privileges of sleeping upon their Pallats, warming Smocks, tying Shooes and Garters, and the like Doctor, already, already Doctor.

Quack.
You have made use of your time, Sir.

Horner
I tell thee, I am now no more interruption to'em,

when they sing, or talk bawdy, than a little squab French Page, who speaks no English.

Quack.
But do civil persons, and women of Honour drink, and sing bawdy Songs?

Horner
O amongst Friends, amongst Friends; for your Bigots in Honour, are just like those in Religion; they fear the eye of the world, more than the eye of Heaven, and think there is no virtue, but railing at vice; and no sin, but giving scandal: They rail at a poor, little, kept Player, and keep themselves some young, modest Pulpit Comedian to be privy to their sins in their Closets, not to tell'em of them in their Chappels.

Quack.
Nay, the truth on't is, Priests amongst the women now, have quite got the better of us Lay Confessors, Physicians.

Horner
And they are rather their Patients, but---
Enter my Lady Fidget, looking about her.
Now we talk of women of Honour, here comes one, step behind the Screen there, and but observe; if I have not particular privileges, with the women of reputation already, Doctor, already.

Lady Fidget
Well Horner, am not I a woman of Honour? you see I'm as good as my word.

Horner
And you shall see Madam, I'll not be behind hand with you in honour; and I'll be as good as my word too, if you please but to withdraw into the next room.

Lady Fidget
But first, my dear Sir, you must promise to have a care of my dear Honour.

Horner
If you talk a word more of your Honour, you'll make me incapable to wrong it; to talk of Honour in the mysteries of Love, is like talking of Heaven, or the Deity in an operation of Witchcraft, just when you are employing the Devil, it makes the charm impotent.

Lady Fidget
Nay, fie, let us not be smooty; but you talk of mysteries, and bewitching to me, I don't understand you.

Horner
I tell you Madam, the word money in a Mistresses mouth, at such a nick of time, is not a more disheartning sound

to a younger Brother, than that of Honour to an eager Lover like my self.

Lady Fidget
But you can't blame a Lady of my reputation to be chary.

Horner
Chary---I have been chary of it already, by the report I have caus'd of my self.

Lady Fidget
Ay, but if you shou'd ever let other women know that dear secret, it would come out; nay, you must have a great care of your conduct; for my acquaintance are so censorious, (oh 'tis a wicked censorious world, Mr. Horner) I say, are so censorious, and detracting, that perhaps they'll talk to the prejudice of my Honour, though you shou'd not let them know the dear secret.

Horner
Nay Madam, rather than they shall prejudice your Honour, I'll prejudice theirs; and to serve you, I'll lye with 'em all, make the secret their own, and then they'll keep it: I am a Machiavel in love Madam.

Lady Fidget
O, no Sir, not that way.

Horner
Nay, the Devil take me, if censorious women are to be silenc'd any other way.

Lady Fidget
A secret is better kept I hope, by a single person, than a multitude; therefore pray do not trust any body else with it, dear, dear Mr. Horner.

How now!

Lady Fidget
O my Husband---prevented---and what's almost as bad, found with my arms about another man--- that will appear too much---what shall I say?

Wives; but I'd have you to know, since I cannot be your Journey-man by night, I will not be your drudge by day, to squire your wife about, and be your man of straw, or scare-crow only to Pyes and Jays; that would be nibling at your forbidden fruit; I shall be shortly the Hackney Gentleman-Usher of the Town.

Sir Jas.
Heh, heh, he, poor fellow he's in the right on't faith, to squire women about for other folks, is as ungrateful an employment, as to tell money for other folks;
indecent, to pin my self upon such ill bred people of your acquaintance, as this is.

Sir Jas.
Nay, pr'ythee what has he done?

Lady Fidget
Nay, he has done nothing.

Sir Jas.
But what d'ye take ill, if he has done nothing?

Lady Fidget
Hah, hah, hah, Faith, I can't but laugh however; why d'ye think the unmannerly toad wou'd not come down to me to the Coach, I was fain to come up to fetch him, or go without him, which I 'was resolved not to do; for he knows China very well, and has himself very good, but will not let me see it, lest I should beg some; but I will find it out, and have what I came for yet.

Exit Lady Fidget, and locks the door, followed by Horner to the door.

Horner
Lock the door Madam---

Horner
Nay, though you laugh now, 'twill be my turn e're long: Oh women, more impertinent, more cunning, and more mischievous than their Monkeys, and to me almost as ugly---now is she throwing my things about, and rifling all I have, but I'll get into her the back way, and so rifle her for it---

Sir Jas.
Hah, ha, ha, poor angry Horner.

Horner
Stay here a little, I'll ferret her out to you presently, I warrant.

This indeed, I cou'd not have believ'd from him, nor any but my own eyes.
Enter Mistris Squeamish.

Squeam.
Where's this Woman-hater, this Toad, this ugly, greasie, dirty Sloven?

Sir Jas.
So the women all will have him ugly, methinks he is a comely person; but his wants make his form contemptible to'em; and 'tis e'en as my Wife said yesterday, talking of him, that a proper handsome Eunuch, was as ridiculous a thing, as a Gigantick Coward.

Squeam.
Sir Jaspar, your Servant, where is the odious Beast?

Sir Jas.
He's within in his chamber, with my Wife; she's playing the wag with him.

Squeam.
Is she so, and he's a clownish beast, he'll give her no quarter, he'll play the wag with her again, let me tell you; come, let's go help her---What, the door's lock't?

Sir Jas.
Ay, my Wife lock't it---

Squeam.
Did she so, let us break it open then?

Sir Jas.
No, no, he'll do her no hurt.

Squeam.
No---But is there no other way to get into 'em, whither goes this? I will disturb'em.

Is it so are you sure?

Sir Jas.
Yes, yes.

Old L. Squeam.
So then there's no hurt in't I hope, but where is he?

Sir Jas.
He's in the next room with my Wife.

Old L. Squeam.
Nay if you trust him with your wife, I may with my Biddy, they say he's a merry harmless man now, e'ne as harmless a man as ever came out of Italy with a good voice, and as pretty harmless company for a Lady, as a Snake without his teeth.

Sir Jas.
Ay. ay poor man.
Enter Mrs. Squeamish.

Squeam.
I can't find'em---Oh are you here, Grandmother, I follow'd you must know my Lady Fidget hither, 'tis the prettyest lodging, and I have been staring on the prettyest Pictures.

Enter Lady Fidget with a piece of China in her hand, and Horner following.

Lady Fidget
And I have been toyling and moyling, for the pretti'st piece of China, my Dear.

Horner
Nay she has been too hard for me do what I cou'd.

Squeam.
Oh Lord I'le have some China too, good Mr. Horner, don't think to give other people China, and me none, come in with me too.

Horner
Upon my honour I have none left now.

Squeam.
Nay, nay I have known you deny your China before now, but you shan't put me off so, come---

Horner
This Lady had the last there.

Lady Fidget
Yes indeed Madam, to my certain knowledge he has no more left.

Squeam.
O but it may be he may have some you could not find.

Lady Fidget
What d'y think if he had had any left, I would not have had it too, for we women of quality never think we have China enough.

Horner
Do not take it ill, I cannot make China for you all, but I will have a Rol-waggon for you too, another time.

Squeam.
Thank you dear Toad.

Old L. Squeam.
Alas poor man how she tuggs him, kiss, kiss her, that's the way to make such nice women quiet.

Horner
No Madam, that Remedy is worse than the Torment, they know I dare suffer any thing rather than do it.

Old La. Squeam.
Prythee kiss her, and I'le give you her Picture in little, that you admir'd so last night, prythee do.

Horner
Well nothing but that could bribe me, I love a woman only in Effigie, and good Painting as much as I hate them---I'le do't, for I cou'd adore the Devil well painted.

Well what brings my dear friend hither?

Mr. Pinch.
Your impertinency.

Horner
My impertinency---why you Gentlemen that have got handsome Wives, think you have a privilege of saying any thing to your friends, and are as brutish, as if you were our Creditors.

Mr. Pinch.
No Sir, I'le ne're trust you any way.

Horner
But why not, dear Jack, why diffide in me, thou knowst so well.

Mr. Pinchwife
Because I do know you so well.

Horner
Han't I been always thy friend honest Jack, always ready to serve thee, in love, or battle, before thou wert married, and am so still.

Mr. Pinchwife
I believe so you wou'd be my second now indeed.

Horner
Well then dear Jack, why so unkind, so grum, so strange to me, come prythee kiss me deare Rogue, gad I was always I say, and am still as much thy Servant as---

Mr. Pinchwife
As I am yours Sir. What you wou'd send a kiss to my Wife, is that it?

Horner
So there 'tis---a man can't shew his friendship to a married man, but presently he talks of his wife to you, prythee let thy Wife alone, and let thee and I be all one, as we were wont, what thou art as shye of my kindness, as a Lumbard-street Alderman of a Courtiers civility at Lockets.

Mr. Pinchwife
But you are over kind to me, as kind, as if I were your Cuckold already, yet I must confess you ought to be kind and civil to me, since I am so kind, so civil to you, as to bring you this, look you there Sir.

home, and pinch me, or kill my Squirrel.
and kindness, and have shewed my self sufficiently an obliging kind friend and husband, am I not so, to bring a Letter from my Wife to her Gallant?

Horner
Ay, the Devil take me, art thou, the most obliging, kind friend and husband in the world, ha, ha.

Mr. Pinchwife
Well you may be merry Sir, but in short I must tell you Sir, my honour will suffer no jesting.

Horner
What do'st thou mean?

Mr. Pinchwife
Does the Letter want a Comment? then know Sir, though I have been so civil a husband, as to bring you a Letter from my Wife, to let you kiss and court her to my face, I will not be a Cuckold Sir, I will not.

Horner
Thou art mad with jealousie, I never saw thy Wife in my life, but at the Play yesterday, and I know not if it were she or no, I court her, kiss her!

Mr. Pinchwife
I will not be a Cuckold I say, there will be danger in making me a Cuckold.

Horner
Why, wert thou not well cur'd of thy last clap?

Mr. Pinchwife
I weare a Sword.

Horner
It should be taken from thee, lest thou should'st do thy self a mischiefe with it, thou art mad, Man.

Mr. Pinchwife
As mad as I am, and as merry as you are, I must have more reason from you e're we part, I say again though you kiss'd, and courted last night my Wife in man's clothes, as she confesses in her Letter.

Horner
Ha---

Mr. Pinchwife
Faith so 'twas---

be what they will, or with what difficulty soever I do't, and you shall be no more jealous of me, I warrant her, and you---

Mr. Pinchwife
Well then fare you well, and play with any mans honour but mine, kiss any mans wife but mine, and welcome---

ever was without Flames, Darts, Fates, Destinies, Lying and Dissembling in't.
Enter Sparkish pulling in Mr. Pinchwife.

Sparkish
Come back, you are a pretty Brother-in-law, neither go to Church, nor to dinner with your Sister Bride.

Mr. Pinchwife
My Sister denies her marriage, and you see is gone away from you dissatisfy'd.

Sparkish
Pshaw, upon a foolish scruple, that our Parson was not in lawful Orders, and did not say all the Common Prayer, but 'tis her modesty only I believe, but let women be never so modest the first day, they'l be sure to come to themselves by night, and I shall have enough of her then; in the mean time, Harry Horner, you must dine with me, I keep my wedding at my Aunts in the Piazza.

Horner
Thy wedding, what stale Maid has liv'd to despaire of a husband, or what young one of a Gallant?

Sparkish
O your Servant Sir---this Gentlemans Sister then ---No stale Maid.

Horner
I'm sorry for't.

Mr. Pinchwife
How comes he so concern'd for her--- though my hunger is now my sawce, and I can fall on heartily without, but the time will come, when a Rival will be as

good sawce for a married man to a wife, as an Orange to Veale.

Horner
O thou damn'd Rogue, thou hast set my teeth on edge with thy Orange.

Sparkish
Then let's to dinner, there I was with you againe, come.

Horner
But who dines with thee?

Sparkish
My Friends and Relations, my Brother Pinchwife you see of your acquaintance.

Horner
And his Wife.

Sparkish
No gad, he'l nere let her come amongst us good fellows, your stingy country Coxcomb keeps his wife from his friends, as he does his little Firkin of Ale, for his own drinking, and a Gentleman can't get a smack on't, but his servants, when his back is turn'd broach it at their pleasures, and dust it away, ha, ha, ha, gad I am witty, I think, considering I was married to day, by the world, but come---

Horner
No, I will not dine with you, unless you can fetch her too.

Sparkish
Pshaw what pleasure can'st thou have with women now, Harry?

Horner
My eyes are not gone, I love a good prospect yet, and will not dine with you, unless she does too, go fetch her therefore, but do not tell her husband, 'tis for my sake.

Sparkish
Well I'le go try what I can do, in the mean time come away to my Aunts lodging, 'tis in the way to Pinchwifes.

Horner
The poor woman has call'd for aid, and stretch'd forth her hand Doctor, I cannot but help her over the Pale out of the Bryars.

I have heard this distemper, call'd a Feaver, but methinks 'tis liker an Ague, for when I think of my Husband, I tremble and am in a cold sweat, and have inclinations to vomit, but when I think of my Gallant, dear Mr. Horner, my hot fit comes, and I am all in a Feaver, indeed, & as in other Feavers, my own Chamber is tedious to me, and I would fain be remov'd to his, and then methinks I shou'd be well; ah poor Mr. Horner, well I cannot, will not stay here, therefore I'le make an end of my Letter to him, which shall be a finer Letter than my last, because I have studied it like any thing; O Sick, Sick!

Deare, Deare, deare, Mr Horner---very well--- I have taught you to write Letters to good purpose---but let's see't. First I am to beg your pardon for my boldness in writing to you, which I'de have you to know, I would not have done, had not you said first you lov'd me so extreamly, which if you doe, you will never suffer me to lye in the arms of another man, whom I loath. nauseate, and detest--- but what follows--- Therefore I hope you will speedily find some way to free me from this unfortunate match, which was never, I assure you, of my choice, but I'm afraid 'tis already too far gone; however if you love me, as I do you, you will try what you can do, but you must help me away before to morrow, or else alass I shall be for ever out of your reach, for I can defer no longer our---our---what is to follow our--- speak what? our Journey into

and Love, damn'd Love, their old Tempter, for this is one of his miracles, in a moment, he can make those blind that cou'd see, and those see that were blind, those dumb that could speak, and those prattle who were dumb before, nay what is more than all, make these dow-bak'd, sensless, indocile animals, Women, too hard for us their Politick Lords and Rulers in a moment; But make an end of your Letter, and then I'le make an end of you thus, and all my plagues together.

Draws his Sword.

Mrs. Pinchwife
O Lord, O Lord you are such a Passionate Man, Budd.
Enter Sparkish.

Sparkish
How now what's here to doe.

Mr. Pinchwife
This Fool here now!

Sparkish
What drawn upon your Wife? you shou'd never do that but at night in the dark when you can't hurt her, this is my Sister in Law is it not? ay faith e'ne our
Pulls aside her Handkercheife.
Country Margery, one may know her, come she and you must go dine with me, dinner's ready, come, but where's my Wife, is she not come home yet, where is she?

Mr. Pinchwife
Making you a Cuckold, 'tis that they all doe, as soon as they can.

Sparkish
What the Wedding day? no, a Wife that designs to make a Cully of her Husband, will be sure to let him win the first stake of love, by the world, but come they stay dinner for us, come I'le lead down our Margery.

Mrs. Pinchwife
No---Sir go we'l follow you.

Sparkish
I will not wag without you.

Mr. Pinchwife
This Coxcomb is a sensible torment to me amidst the greatest in the world.

Sparkish
Come, come Madam Margery.

Mr. Pinchwife
No I'le lead her my way, what wou'd you treat your friends with mine, for want of your own Wife?
Leads her. to t'other door, and locks her in and returns.
I am contented my rage shou'd take breath---

Mr. Pinchwife
Come now.

Sparkish
Lord, how shye you are of your Wife, but let me tell you Brother, we men of wit have amongst us a saying, that Cuckolding like the small Pox comes with a fear, and you may keep your Wife as much as you will out of danger of infection, but if her constitution incline her to't, she'l have it sooner or later by the world, say they.

Mr. Pinchwife
What a thing is a Cuckold, that every fool can make him ridiculous---
What follows our?---

Mrs. Pinchwife
Must all out then Budd?--- Look you there then.

Mrs. Pinchwife takes the Pen and writes.

Mr. Pinchwife
Let's see---
Wedding---Your slighted Alithea] What's the meaning of this, my Sisters name to't, speak, unriddle?

Mrs. Pinchwife
Yes indeed Budd.

Mr. Pinchwife
But why her name to't speak---speak I say?

Mrs. Pinchwife
Ay but you'l tell her then again, if you wou'd not tell her again.

Mr. Pinchwife
I will not, I am stunn'd, my head turns round, speak.

Mrs. Pinchwife
Won't you tell her indeed, and indeed.

Mr. Pinchwife
No, speak I say.

Mrs. Pinchwife
She'l be angry with me, but I had rather she should be angry with me than you Budd; and to tell you the truth, 'twas she made me write the Letter, and taught me what I should write.

Mr. Pinchwife
Ha---I thought the stile was somewhat better than her own, but how cou'd she come to you to teach you, since I had lock'd you up alone.

Mrs. Pinchwife
O through the key hole Budd.

Mr. Pinchwife
But why should she make you write a Letter for her to him, since she can write her self?

Mrs. Pinchwife
Why she said because---for I was unwilling to do it.

Mr. Pinchwife
Because what---because.

Mrs. Pinchwife
Because lest Mr. Horner should be cruel, and refuse her, or vaine afterwards, and shew the Letter, she might disown it, the hand not being hers.

Mr. Pinchwife
How's this? ha---then I think I shall come to my self again---This changeling cou'd not invent this lye, but if she cou'd, why should she? she might think I should soon discover it---stay---now I think on't too, Horner said he was sorry she had married Sparkish, and her disowning her marriage to me, makes me think she has evaded it, for Horner's sake, yet why should she take this course, but men in love are fools, women may well be so.---

Mrs. Pinchwife
A lack a day she has been crying all day above it seems in a corner.

Mr. Pinchwife
Where is she, let me speak with her.

Mrs. Pinchwife
O Lord then he'l discover all---
Won't she come hither?

Mrs. Pinchwife
No no, alack a day, she's asham'd to look you in the face, and she says if you go in to her, she'l run away down stairs, and shamefully go her self to Mr. Horner, who has promis'd her marriage she says, and she will have no other, so she won't---

Mr. Pinchwife
Did he so---promise her marriage---then she shall have no other, go tell her so, and if she will come and discourse with me a little concerning the means, I will about it immediately, go---

His estate is equal to Sparkish's, and his extraction as much better than his, as his parts are, but my chief reason is, I'd rather be of kin to him by the name of Brother-in-law, than that of Cuckold--- Well what says she now?

require a word from her.

Mrs. Pinchwife
Oh I forgot, besides she says, she cannot look you in the face, though through a mask, therefore wou'd desire you to put out the Candle.

Mr. Pinchwife
I agree to all, let her make haste---there 'tis out---My case
Exit Mrs. Pinchwife puts out the Candle.
is something better, I'd rather fight with Horner for not lying with my Sister, than for lying with my Wife, and of the two I had rather find my Sister too forward than my Wife; I expected no other from her free education, as she calls it, and her passion for the Town---well---Wife and Sister are names which make us expect Love and duty, pleasure and comfort, but we find'em plagues and torments, and are equally, though differently troublesome to their keeper; for we have as much a doe to get people to lye with our Sisters, as to keep'em from lying with our Wives.
Enter Mrs. Pinchwife Masked, and in Hoods and Scarves, and a night Gown and Petticoat of Alitheas in the dark.
What are you come Sister? let us go then---but first let me lock up my Wife, Mrs. Margery where are you?

Mrs. Pinchwife
Here Budd.

Mr. Pinchwife
Come hither, that I may lock you up, get you in, Come Sister where are you now?

Locks the door.

The Scene changes to Horners Lodging. Quack Horner.

Quack.
What all alone, not so much as one of your Cuckolds here, nor one of their Wives! they use to take their turns with you, as if they were to watch you.

Horner
Yes it often happens, that a Cuckold is but his Wifes spye, and is more upon family duty, when he is with her gallant abroad hindring his pleasure, than when he is at home with her playing the Gallant, but the hardest duty a married woman imposes upon a lover is, keeping her husband company always.

Quack.
And his fondness wearies you almost as soon as hers.

Horner
A Pox, keeping a Cuckold company after you have had his Wife, is as tiresome as the company of a Country Squire to a witty fellow of the Town, when he has got all his Mony,

Quack.
And as at first a man makes a friend of the Husband to get the Wife, so at last you are faine to fall out with the Wife to be rid of the Husband.

Horner
Ay, most Cuckold-makers are true Courtiers, when once a poor man has crack'd his credit for'em, they can't abide to come neer him.

Quack.
But at first to draw him in are so sweet, so kind, so dear, just as you are to Pinchwife, but what becomes of that intrigue with his Wife?

Horner
A Pox he's as surly as an Alderman that has been bit, and since he's so coy, his Wife's kindness is in vain, for she's a silly innocent.

Quack.
Did she not send you a Letter by him?

Horner
Yes, but that's a riddle I have not yet solv'd---allow the poor creature to be willing, she is silly too, and he

keeps her up so close---

Quack.
Yes, so close that he makes her but the more willing, and adds but revenge to her love, which two when met seldome faile of satisfying each other one way or other.

Horner
What here's the man we are talking of I think.
Enter Mr. Pinchwife leading in his Wife Masqued, Muffled, and in her Sisters Gown.

Horner
Pshaw.

Quack.
Bringing his Wife to you is the next thing to bringing a Love Letter from her.

Horner
VVhat means this?

Mr. Pinchwife
The last time you know Sir I brought you a love Letter, now you see a Mistress, I think you'l say I am a civil man to you.

Horner
Ay the Devil take me will I say thou art the civillest man I ever met with, and I have known some; I fancy, I understand thee now, better than I did the Letter, but hark thee in thy eare---

Mr. Pinchwife
VVhat?

Horner
Nothing but the usual question man, is she found on thy word?

Mr. Pinchwife
VVhat you take her for a VVench and me for a Pimp?

Horner
Pshaw, wench and Pimp, paw words, I know thou art an honest fellow, and hast a great acquaintance among the Ladies, and perhaps hast made love for me rather than let me make love to thy VVise---

Mr. Pinchwife
Come Sir, in short, I am for no fooling.

Horner
Nor I neither, therefore prythee let's see her face presently, make her show man, art thou sure I don't know her?

Mr. Pinchwife
I am sure you doe know her.

Horner
A Pox why dost thou bring her to me then?

Mr. Pinchwife
Because she's a Relation of mine.

Horner
Is she faith man, then thou art still more civil and obliging, dear Rogue.

Mr. Pinchwife
VVho desir'd me to bring her to you.

Horner
Then she is obliging, dear Rogue.

Mr. Pinchwife
You'l make her welcome for my sake I hope.

Horner
I hope she is handsome enough to make her self wellcome; prythee let her unmask.

Mr. Pinchwife
Doe you speak to her, she wou'd never be rul'd by me.

Horner
Madam---

Mr. Pinchwife
In the mean time I'le fetch a Parson, and find out Sporkish and disabuse him. You wou'd have me fetch a Parson, would you not, well then ---Now I think I am rid of her, and shall have no more trouble with her---Our Sisters and Daughters like Usurers money, are safest, when put out; but our Wifes, like their writings, never safe, but in our Closets under Lock and Key.

Sir Jas.
Well guess'd y' faith, for I do come from her.

Horner
To invite me to supper, tell her I can't come, go.

Sir Jas.
Nay, now you are out faith, for my Lady and the whole knot of the virtuous gang, as they call themselves, are resolv'd upon a frolick of coming to you to night in a Masquerade, and are all drest already.

Horner
I shan't be at home.

Sir Jas.
Lord how churlish he is to women---nay prythee don't disappoint'em, they'l think 'tis my fault, prythee don't, I'le send in the Banquet and the Fiddles, but make no noise on't, for the poor virtuous Rogues would not have it known for the world, that they go a Masquerading, and they would come to no mans Ball, but yours.

Horner
Well, well---get you gone, and tell'em if they come, 'twill be at the peril of their honour and yours.

Sir Jas.
Heh, he, he---we'l trust you for that, farewell---

for you are such a frank person---but I must be gone--- you'l find her at Mr. Horners, goe and believe your eyes.

You have been too merry Sir at your wedding dinner sure.

Spar
What d'y mock me too?

Ali.
Or you have been deluded.

Sparkish
By you.

Ali.
Let me understand you.

Sparkish
Have you the confidence, I should call it something else, since you know your guilt, to stand my just reproaches? you did not write an impudent Letter to Mr. Horner, who I find now has club'd with you in deluding me with his aversion

for women, that I might not forsooth suspect him for my Rival.

Lucy.
D'y think the Gentleman can be jealous now Madam---

No Madam I thank you, I suppose that was a contrivance too of Mr. Horners and yours, to make Harcourt play the Parson, but I would as little as you have him one now, no not for the world, for shall I tell you another truth, I never had any passion for you, 'till now, for now I hate you, 'tis true I might have married your portion, as other men of parts of the Town do sometimes, and so your Servant, and to shew my unconcernedness, I'le come to your wedding, and resign you with as much joy as I would a stale wench to a new Cully, nay with as much joy as I would after the first night, if I had been married to you, there's for you, and so your Servant, Servant.

a fool, for fortune, liberty, or title, first that her husband may love Play, and be a Cully to all the Town, but her, and suffer none but fortune to be mistress of his purse, then if for liberty, that he may send her into the Country under the conduct of some housewifely mother-in law; and if for title, may the world give 'em none but that of Cuckold.

Lucy.
And for her greater curse Madam, may he not deserve it.

Ali.
Away impertinent---is not this my old Lady Lanterlus?

Lucy.
Yes Madam. our two Bottles, let us speak the truth of our hearts.

Dayn. and Squeam.
Agreed.

Lady Fidget
By this brimmer, for truth is no where else to be found,

2.

'Tis Wine only gives 'em their Courage and Wit,
Because we live sober to men we submit.
If for Beauties you'd pass.
Take a lick of the Glass.
'Twill mend your complexions, and when they are gone,
The best red we have is the red of the Grape.
Then Sisters lay't on.
And dam a good shape.

Dayn.
Dear Brimmer, well in token of our openness and plain dealing, let us throw our Masques over our heads.

Horner
So 'twill come to the Glasses anon.

Squeam.
Lovely Brimmer, let me enjoy him first.

Lady Fidget
No, I never part with a Gallant, till I've try'd him. Dear Brimmer that mak'st our Husbands short sighted.

Dayn.
And our bashful gallants bold.

Squeam.
And for want of a Gallant, the Butler lovely in our eyes, drink Eunuch.

Lady Fidget
Drink thou representative of a Husband, damn a Husband.

Dayn.
And as it were a Husband, an old keeper.

Squeam.
And an old Grandmother.

Horner
And an English Bawd, and a French Chirurgion.

Lady Fidget
Ay we have all reason to curse 'em.

Horner
For my sake Ladies.

Lady Fidget
No, for our own, for the first spoils all young gallants industry.

Dayn.
And the others art makes 'em bold only with common women.

Squeam.
And rather run the hazard of the vile distemper amongst them, than of a denial amongst us.

Dayn.
The filthy Toads chuse Mistresses now, as they do Stuffs, for having been fancy'd and worn by others.

Squeam.
For being common and cheap.

La. Lid.
Whilst women of quality, like the richest Stuffs, lye untumbled, and unask'd for.

Horner
Ay neat, and cheap, and new often they think best.

Dayn.
No Sir, the Beasts will be known by a Mistriss longer than by a suit.

Squeam.
And 'tis not for cheapness neither.

Lady Fidget
No, for the vain fopps will take up Druggets, and embroider 'em, but I wonder at the depraved appetites of witty men, they use to be out of the common road, and hate imitation, pray tell me beast, when you were a man, why you rather chose to club with a multitude in a common house, for an entertainment, than to be the only guest at a good Table.

Horner
Why faith ceremony and expectation are unsufferable to those that are sharp bent, people always eat with the best stomach at an ordinary, where every man is snatching for the best bit.

Lady Fidget
Though he get a cut over the fingers---but I have heard people eat most heartily of another man's meat, that is, what they do not pay for.

Horner
When they are sure of their wellcome and freedome, for ceremony in love and eating, is as ridiculous as in fighting, falling on briskly is all should be done in those occasions.

Lady Fidget
Well then let me tell you Sir, there is no where more freedome than in our houses, and we take freedom from a young person as a sign of good breeding, and a person may be as free as he pleases with us, as frolick, as gamesome, as wild as he will.

Horner
Han't I heard you all declaim against wild men.

Lady Fidget
Yes, but for all that, we think wildness in a man, as desirable a quality, as in a Duck, or Rabbet; a tame man, foh.

Horner
I know not, but your Reputations frightned me, as much as your Faces invited me.

Lady Fidget
Our Reputation, Lord! Why should you not think, that we women make use of our Reputation, as you men of yours, only to deceive the world with less suspicion; our virtue is like the State-man's Religion, the Quakers Word, the Gamesters Oath, and the Great Man's Honour, but to cheat those that trust us.

Squeam.
And that Demureness, Coyness, and Modesty, that you see in our Faces in the Boxes at Plays, is as much a sign of a kind woman, as a Vizard-mask in the Pit.

Dayn.
For I assure you, women are least mask'd, when they have the Velvet Vizard on.

Lady Fidget
You wou'd have found us modest women in our denyals only.

Squeam.
Our bashfulness is only the reflection of the Men's.

Dayn.
We blush, when they are shame-fac'd.

Horner
I beg your pardon Ladies, I was deceiv'd in you devilishly, but why, that mighty pretence to Honour?

Lady Fidget
We have told you; but sometimes 'twas for the

same reason you men pretend business often, to avoid ill company, to enjoy the better, and more privately those you love.

Horner
But why, wou'd you ne'er give a Friend a wink then?

Lady Fidget
Faith, your Reputation frightned us as much, as ours did you, you were so notoriously lewd.

Horner
And you so seemingly honest.

Lady Fidget
Was that all that deterr'd you?

Horner
And so expensive---you allow freedom you say.

Lady Fidget
Ay, ay.

Horner
That I was afraid of losing my little money, as well as my little time, both which my other pleasures required.

Lady Fidget
Money, foh---you talk like a little fellow now, do such as we expect money?

Horner
I beg your pardon, Madam, I must confess, I have heard that great Ladies, like great Merchants, set but the higher prizes upon what they have, because they are not in necessity of taking the first offer.

Dayn.
Such as we, make sale of our hearts?

Squeam.
We brib'd for our Love? Foh.

Horner
With your pardon, Ladies, I know, like great men in Offices, you seem to exact flattery and attendance only from your Followers, but you have receivers about you, and such fees to pay, a man is afraid to pass your Grants; besides we must let you win at Cards, or we lose your hearts; and if you make an assignation, 'tis at a Goldsmiths, Jewellers, or China house, where for your Honour, you deposit to him, he must pawn his, to the punctual Citt, and so paying for what you take up, pays for what he takes up.

Dayn.
Wou'd you not have us assur'd of our Gallants Love?

Squeam.
For Love is better known by Liberality, than by Jealousie.

Lady Fidget
For one may be dissembled, the other not---but my Jealousie can be no longer dissembled, and they are telling ripe:

Come here's to our Gallants in waiting, whom we must name, and I'll begin, this is my false Rogue.

Claps him on the back.

Squeam.
How!

Horner
So all will out now---

Squeam.
Did you not tell me, 'twas for my sake only, you reported your self no man?

So, so.

Lady Fidget
Come, speak Ladies, this is my false Villain.

Squeam.
And mine too.

Dayn.
And mine.

Horn.
Well then, you are all three my false Rogues too, and there's an end on't.

Lady Fidget
Well then, there's no remedy, Sister Sharers, let us not fall out, but have a care of our Honour; though we get no Presents, no Jewels of him, we are savers of our Honour, the Jewel of most value and use, which shines yet to the world unsuspected, though it be counterfeit.

Horner
Nay, and is e'en as good, as if it were true, provided the world think so; for Honour, like Beauty now, only depends on the opinion of others.

Lady Fidget
Well Harry Common, I hope you can be true to three, swear, but 'tis no purpose, to require your Oath; for you are as often forsworn, as you swear to new women.

Horner
Come, faith Madam, let us e'en pardon one another, for all the difference I find betwixt we men, and you women, we forswear our selves at the beginning of an Amour, you, as long as it lasts.
Enter Sir Jaspar Fidget, and old Lady Squeamish.

Sir Jas.
Oh my Lady Fidget, was this your cunning, to come to Mr. Horner without me; but you have been no where else I hope.

Lady Fidget
No, Sir JaSparkish

Old La. Squeam.
And you came straight hither Biddy.

Squeam.
Yes indeed, Lady Grandmother.

Sir Jas.
'Tis well, 'tis well, I knew when once they were throughly acquainted with poor Horner, they'd ne'er be from him; you may let her masquerade it with my Wife, and Horner, and I warrant her Reputation safe.
Enter Boy.

Boy.
O Sir, here's the Gentleman come, whom you bid me not suffer to come up, without giving you notice, with a Lady too, and other Gentlemen---

Horner
Do you all go in there, whil'st I send 'em away, and Boy, do you desire 'em to stay below 'til I come, which shall be immediately.

Exeunt Sir Jaspar, Lady Fidget Squeam. Lady Fidget Fidget, Mistris Dainty, Squeamish.

Boy.
Yes Sir.

that? I don't intend to go to him again; you shall be my Husband now.

Horner
I cannot be your Husband, Dearest, since you are married to him.

Mrs. Pinchwife
O wou'd you make me believe that---don't I see every day at London here, women leave their first Husband, and go, and live with other men as their Wives, pish, pshaw, you'd make me angry, but that I love you so mainly.

Horner
So, they are coming up---In again, in, I hear 'em:
Exit Mistris Pinchwife.
Well, a silly Mistriss, is like a weak place, soon got, soon lost, a man has scarce time for plunder; she betrays her Husband, first to her Gallant, and then her Gallant, to her Husband.
Enter Pinchwife, Alithea, Harcourt, Sparkish, Lucy, and a Parson.

Mr. Pinchwife
Come Madam, 'tis not the sudden change of your dress, the confidence of your asseverations, and your false witness there, shall perswade me, I did not bring you hither, just now; here's my witness, who cannot deny it, since you must be confronted---Mr. Horner, did not I bring this Lady to you just now?

Horner
Now must I wrong one woman for anothers sake, but that's no new thing with me; for in these cases I am still on the criminal's side, against the innocent.

What, you are studying an evasion, or excuse for her, speak Sir.

Horner
No faith, I am something backward only, to speak in womens affairs or disputes.

Mr. Pinchwife
She bids you speak.

Alithea
Ay, pray Sir do, pray satisfie him,

Horner
Then truly, you did bring that Lady to me just now,

Mr. Pinchwife
O ho---

Alithea
How Sir---

Harcourt
How, Horner!

Alithea
What mean you Sir, I always took you for a man of Honour?

Horner
Ay, so much a man of Honour, that I must save my Mistriss, I thank you, come what will on't.

Alithea
O unfortunate Woman! a combination against my Honour, which most concerns me now, because you share in my disgrace, Sir, and it is your censure which I must now suffer, that troubles me, not theirs.

Harcourt
Madam, then have no trouble, you shall now see 'tis possible for me to love too, without being jealous, I will not only believe your innocence my self, but make all the world believe it--- Horner I must now be concern'd for this Ladies Honour.

Apart to Horner.

Horner
And I must be concern'd for a Ladies Honour too.

Harcourt
This Lady has her Honour, and I will protect it.

Horner
My Lady has not her Honour, but has given it me to keep, and I will preserve it.

Harcourt
I understand you not

Horner
I wou'd not have you.

Mrs. Pinchwife
What's the matter with 'em all

My Sister in my cloaths!

Spark.
Ha!

Mrs. Pinchwife
Nay, pray now don't quarrel about finding work

for the Parson, he shall marry me to Mr. Horner; for now I believe, you have enough of me.

yours too, if he knows her, and all the women he comes near; 'tis not his dissembling, his hypocrisie can wheedle me.

Sir Jas.
How does he dissemble, is he a Hypocrite? nay then---how---Wife---Sister is he an Hypocrite?

Old La. Squeam.
An Hypocrite, a dissembler, speak young Harlotry, speak how?

Sir Jas.
Nay then---O my head too---O thou libinous Lady!

Old La. Squeam.
O thou Harloting, Harlotry, hast thou don't then?

Sir Jas.
Speak good Horner, art thou a dissembler, a Rogue? hast thou---

Horner
Soh---

Lucy.
I'll fetch you off, and her too, if she will but hold her tongue.

that shou'd have been, now man of conduct, who is a frank person now, to bring your Wife to her Lover--- ha---

Lucy.
I assure you Sir, she came not to Mr. Horner out of love, for she loves him no more---

Mrs. Pinchwife
Hold, I told lyes for you, but you shall tell none for me, for I do love Mr. Horner with all my soul, and no body shall say me nay; pray don't you go to make poor Mr. Horner believe to the contrary, 'tis spitefully done of you, I'm sure.

Horner
Peace, Dear Ideot.

Ladies had suffer'd with me, therefore pray satisfie these worthy, honourable, jealous Gentlemen
Sir,---

Sir Jas.
Nay I do believe you truly---pardon me my virtuous Lady, and dear of honour.

Old La. Squeam.
What then all's right again.

Sir Jas.
Ay, ay, and now let us satisfie him too.

They whisper with Mr. Pinch.

Mr. Pinchwife
An Eunuch! pray no fooling with me.

Quack.
I'le bring half the Chirurgions in Town to swear it.

Mr. Pinchwife
They---they'l sweare a man that bled to death through his wounds died of an Apoplexy.

Quack.
Pray hear me Sir---why all the Town has heard the report of him.

Mr. Pinchwife
But does all the Town believe it.

Quack.
Pray inquire a little, and first of all these.

Mr. Pinchwife
I'm sure when I left the Town he was the lewdest fellow in't.

Quack.
I tell you Sir he has been in France since, pray ask but these Ladies and Gentlemen, your friend Mr. Dorilant, Gentlemen and Ladies, han't you all heard the late sad report of poor Mr. Horner.

All Lady Fidget
Ay, ay, ay.

Dorilant
Why thou jealous Fool do'st thou doubt it, he's an errant French Capon.

Mrs. Pinchwife
'Tis false Sir, you shall not disparage poor Mr. Horner, for to my certain knowledge---

Lucy.
O hold---

Squeam.
Stop her mouth---

secret to a fool---

But I must be one---against my will to a Country-Wife, with a Country-murrain to me.

Mrs. Pinchwife
And I must be a Country Wife still too I find, for I can't like a City one, be rid of my musty Husband and doe what I list.

Yes indeed Budd.

Mr. Pinchwife

For my own sake fain I wou'd all believe.
Cuckolds like Lovers shou'd themselves deceive.

But---sighs---

His honour is least safe, (too late I find)
Who trusts it with a foolish Wife or Friend.
A Dance of Cuckolds.

Horner
Vain Fopps, but court, and dress, and keep a puther,
To pass for Womens men, with one another.
But he who aimes by women to be priz'd,
First by the men you see must be despis'd.

Back matter

FINIS.

EPILOGUE spoken by Mr. Hart:

Now you the Vigorous, who dayly here
O're Vizard-Mask, in publick domineer,
And what you'd doe to her if in Place where;
Nay have the confidence, to cry come out,
Yet when she says lead on, you are not stout;
But to your well-drest Brother straight turn round
And cry, Pox on her Ned, she can't be sound:
Then slink away, a fresh one to ingage,
With so much seeming heat and loving Rage,
You'd frighten listning Actress on the Stage:
Till she at last has seen you huffing come,
And talk of keeping in the Tyreing-Room,
Yet cannot be provok'd to lead her home:
Next you Fallstaffs of fifty, who beset
Your Buckram Maidenheads, which your friends get;
And whilst to them, you of Atchievements boast,
They share the booty, and laugh at your cost.
In fine, you Essens't Boyes, both Old and Young,
Who wou'd be thought so eager, brisk, and strong,
Yet do the Ladies, not their Husbands, wrong:
Whose Purses for your manhood make excuse,
And keep your Flanders Mares for shew, not use;
Encourag'd by our Womans Man to day,
A Horners part may vainly think to Play;
And may Intreagues so bashfully disown
That they may doubted be by few or none,
May kiss the Cards at Picquet, Hombre,---Lu,
And so be thought to kiss the Lady too;
But Gallants, have a care faith, what you do.
The World, which to no man his due will give,
You by experience know you can deceive,
And men may still believe you Vigorous,
But then we Women,---there's no cous'ning us.
FINIS.

William Wycherley, 1640-1716 (1641-1716)
La Esposa del Campesino, Una comedia, Actuada en el Teatro Real. Escrita por el Sr. Wycherley
Fecha de primera publicación: 1675.
Fecha de primera representación: 12 de enero de 1675.

LA Esposa del Campesino,
UNA COMEDIA,

Indignor quicquam reprehendi, non quia crassè
Compositum illepidéve putetur, sed quia nuper:
Nec veniam Antiquis, sed honorem & præmia posci.
Horacio.

Texto principal

ACTO 1.

ESCENA 1.
Entra Horner y Quack siguiéndolo a distancia.

Horner
Un charlatán es tan adecuado para un proxeneta como una partera para una meretriz; ambos son simplemente ayudantes de la Naturaleza... Bien, querido Doctor, has hecho lo que te pedí?

Quack
Te he arruinado para siempre con las mujeres y he comentado por toda la ciudad que eres tan malo como un eunuco, con tanto escándalo como si realmente te hubiera convertido en uno.

Horner
Pero les has contado a todas las parteras que conoces, a las mujeres naranjas de los teatros, a los maridos de la ciudad y a los viejos celosos de este lado de la ciudad? Serán quienes más rápido lo informen.

Quack
He contado a todas las camareras, criadas y ancianas que conozco; sí, y se lo he susurrado como un secreto; así que no dudes que se difundirá y serás tan odioso para las jóvenes guapas como---

Horner
Como la viruela... Bueno...

Quack
Y para las casadas de esta parte de la ciudad...

Horner
Como las grandes; sí, incluso como sus propios maridos.

Quack
Y para las damas de la ciudad como Anni-seed Robin de memoria inmunda y despreciable; asustarán a sus hijos con tu nombre, sobre todo a sus niñas.

Horner
Y gritarán "¡Viene Horner a llevártela!" Solo temo que no se crea; tú dijiste que fue por un desastre anglo-francés y un cirujano anglo-francés quien me dio no solo una cura sino también un antídoto contra esa maldita enfermedad y ese peor trastorno llamado amor junto con todos los males relacionados con las mujeres.

Quack
Tu reciente viaje a Francia lo hace más creíble y tu estancia aquí dos semanas antes de aparecer en público parece indicar que temías el escándalo; me asombra que no lo hagas: Bueno, me han contratado jóvenes galanes para desacreditarlos en privado; pero tú eres el primero al que quieren creer inadecuado para las mujeres.

Horner
Querido Sr. Doctor, dejemos que los vanidosos rogues estén contentos solo con ser considerados hombres más capaces de lo que son; generalmente es todo el placer que tienen, pero el mío reside en otro lado.

Quack
Tomas una dirección muy disparatada hacia ello y es tan ridícula como si nosotros los médicos pusiéramos anuncios perjudicando nuestros medicamentos con esperanzas de ganar clientes.

Horner
Doctor, hay charlatanes en el amor al igual que en la medicina quienes obtienen menos pacientes y peores debido a su fanfarronada; un buen nombre rara vez se obtiene dándose uno mismo razones; además: Las mujeres ni más ni menos que el honor están libres del lenguaje grandilocuente... Venido ya mi doctor... Aprovecha bien mi estrategia: Primero me desharé todos mis conocidos antiguos —los tipos más insaciables— aquellos pagadores matutinos...