Albuquerque de Weird Al Yankovic

Way back when i was just a little bitty boy living in a box under the
stairs in the corner of the basement of the house half a block down the
street from jerry's bait you know the well anyway,
back then life was going swell and everything was juuuuust
except of course for the undeniable fact that every single morning my
mother would make me a big ol' bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast.
dawww!! big bowl of sauerkraut!
every single mornin'! it was driving me crazy.
I said to my mom, i said, "hey, mom, what's up with all the sauerkraut?"
and my dear, sweet mother, she just looked at me like a cow looks at an
oncoming train. and she leaned right down next to me, and she said, "it's
good for you!" and then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my
mouth and force fed me nothing but sauerkraut until i was 26 and a half
years old.
That's when i swore that someday, someday i would get outta that
basement and travel to a magical, far away place, where the sun is
always shining and the air smells like warm root beer, and the towels
are oh so fluffy! where the shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles
all day long, and anyone on the street will gladly shave your back for
a nickel!
Wacka wacka, doo doo, yeah!
Well, let me tell you, people, it wasn't long at all before my dream
came true. because the very next day, a local radio station had this
contest to see who could correctly guess the number of molecules in
leonard nimoy's butt. i was off by three, but i still won the grand
prize. that's right, a first class, one-way
To albuquerque!
albuquerque!
Oh yeah. you know, i'd never been on a real airplane before, and i gotta
tell ya, it was really except that i had to sit between two large
albanian women with excruciatingly severe body odor. and the little kid in
back of me kept throwin' up the whole time. the flight attendants ran out of
dr. pepper and salted peanuts, and the in-flight movie was bio-dome with
pauly , oh yeah, three of the airplane engines burned out, and we
went into a tailspin and crashed into a hillside and the plane exploded in a
giant fireball and everybody died. except for me. you know why?
'cause i had my tray table up
and my seat back in the full upright position
had my tray table up
and my seat back in the full upright position
had my tray table up
and my seat back in the full upright position
Ah-ha-ha-ha. ah-ha-ha. aahhh. so i crawled from the twisted, burnin'
wreckage, i crawled on my hands and knees for three full days, draggin'
along my big leather suitcase and my garment bag and my tenor saxophone
and my 12-pound bowlin' ball and my lucky, lucky autographed
glow-in-the-dark snorkel. but finally i arrived at the world famous
albuquerque holiday inn where the towels are oh so fluffy! and you can
eat your soup right out of the ashtrays if you wanna. it's ok, they're
clean.
Well, i checked into my room, and i turned down the a/c, and i turned
on the spectravision, and i'm just about to eat that little chocolate
mint on my pillow that i love so very, very much, when suddenly there's
a knock on the door. well, now, who could that be?
I say, "who is it?" no answer.
"who is it?" there's no answer.
"who is it!?" they're not sayin' anything.
so finally, i go over and i open the door, and just as i suspected,
it's some big, fat hermaphrodite with a flock of seagulls, haircut, and
only one nostril. oh, man, i hate it when i'm right.
So, anyway, he bursts into my room, and he grabs my lucky snorkel, and
i'm like, "hey, you can't have that! that snorkel's been just like a
snorkel to ;
And he's like, "tough!"
and i'm like, "give it!"
and he's like, "make me!"
and i'm like, "'kay!"
so i grabbed his leg and he grabbed my esophagus, and i bit off his ear
and he chewed off my eyebrows, and i took out his appendix and he gave
a colonic irrigation, yes indeed, you better believe it. and somehow in
the middle of it all, the phone got knocked off the hook. and twenty
seconds later, i heard a familiar voice. and you know what it said?
i'll tell ya what it said!
It said, "if you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again.
if you need help, hang up and then dial your operator.
if you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again.
if you need help, hang up and then dial your ;
In albuquerque!
albuquerque!
Well, to cut a long story short, he got away with my snorkel. but i
made a solemn vow right then and there that i would not rest, i would
not sleep for an instant, until the one-nostrilled man was brought to
justice.
But first, i decided to buy some donuts. so i got in my car, and i
drove over to the donut shop, and i walked on up to the guy behind the
counter and he says, "yeah, whaddaya want??"
I said, "you got any glazed donuts?"
he said, "nah, we're outta glazed ;
i say, "well, you got any jelly donuts?"
he said, "no, we're outta jelly ;
i said, "you got any bavarian cream-filled donuts?"
he said, "no, we're outta bavarian cream-filled ;
i said, "you got any cinnamon rolls?"
he said, "no, we're outta cinnamon rolls!"
i said, "you got any apple fritters?"
he said, "no, we're outta apple fritters!"
i said, "you got any bear claws?"
he said, "wait a minute, i'll go ;
"no, we're outta bear claws!"
i said, "well, in that in that case, what do you have?"
he says, "all i got right now is this box of one dozen starving crazed ;
i said, "ok, i'll take ;
so he hands me the box, and i open up the lid, and the weasels jump out
and they immediately latch onto my face and start bitin' me all over.
oh, man, they were just goin' nuts! they were tearin' me apart! you
know, i think it was just about that time that a little ditty started
goin' through my head. i believe it went a little somethin' like this:
Doh! get 'em off me! get 'em off me! ohhh! no, get 'em off, get 'em
off! oh, oh god, oh god! oh, get 'em off me! oh, oh god! ah,
aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhohhhhhhhhhh!
I ran out into the street with these flesh-eating weasels all over my
face, wavin' my arms all around and just runnin', runnin', runnin' like
a constipated wiener dog. and as luck would have it, that's exactly
when i ran into the girl of my dreams. her name was zelda. she was a
caligraphy enthusiast, with a slight overbite, and hair the color of
strained peaches. i'll never forget the very first thing she said to
me. she said, "hey, you've got weasels on your ;
That's when i knew it was true love. we were inseparable after that.
aw, we ate together, we bathed together, we even shared the same piece
of mint-flavored dental floss. the world was our burrito. so we got
married, and we bought us a house and had two beautiful children,
nathaniel and superfly. oh we were so very, very, very happy, oh yeah.
but then, one fateful night, zelda said to me, she said, "sweetie
pumpkin? do you wanna join the columbia record club?" i said, "woah!
hold on now, baby! i'm just not ready for that kind of a commitment!"
So we broke up, and i never saw her again
but that's just the way things go
In albuquerque!
albuquerque!
Anyway, things really started lookin' up for me, because about a week
later, i finally achieved my lifelong dream. that's right, i got me a
part-time job at the sizzler! i even made employee of the month after i
put out that grease fire with my face. aw yeah, everybody was pretty
jealous of me after that. i was gettin' a lot of attitude.
Ok, like one time, i was out in the parkin' lot, tryin' to remove my excess
earwax with a golf pencil, when i see this guy marty
tryin' to carry a big ol' sofa up the stairs all by himself. so i-i say to
him, i say, "hey, you want me to help you with that?" and
marty, he just rolls his eyes and goes, "no, i want you
to cut off my arms and legs with a chainsaw!" so i did.
And then he gets all indignant on me. he's like, "hey, man, i was just
being sarcastic!" well, that's just great. how was i supposed to know
that? i'm not a mind reader, for cryin' out loud. besides, now he's got
a really cute nickname - torso-boy! so what's he complaining about?
Say, that reminds me of another amusing anecdote. this guy comes up to
me on the street and he tells me he hasn't had a bite in three days.
well, i knew what he meant, but just to be funny, i took a big bite out
of his jugular vein. and he's yelling and screaming and bleeding all
over, and i'm like, "hey, come on, don'tcha get it?" but he just keeps
rolling around on the sidewalk, bleeding and screaming, "aaaahhhh!
aaaaahhhhohhhhh! aaaaahhhh!" you know, completely missing the irony of
the whole situation. man, some people just can't take a joke, you know?
Anyway, was i? kinda lost my train of thought.
Uh, well, uh, ok, anyway, i-i know it's kind of a roundabout way of
saying it, but, i guess the whole point i'm tryin' to make here
i hate sauerkraut!
That's all i'm really tryin' to say. and, by the way,
if one day you happen to wake up and find yourself in an existential
quandry, full of loathing and self-doubt and wracked with the pain and
isolation of your pitiful meaningless existence, at least you can take
a small bit of comfort in knowing that somewhere out there in this
crazy ol' mixed-up universe of ours, there's still a little place
Called albuquerque!
albuquerque!
albuquerque! (albuquerque!)
albuquerque! (albuquerque!)
albuquerque! (albuquerque!)
albuquerque! (albuquerque!)
I said a! (a!)
l! (l!)
b! (b!)
u! (u!)
.... querque! (querque!)
(albuquerque, albuquerque, albuquerque, albuquerque)
(albuquerque, albuquerque, albuquerque, albuquerque)
(albuquerque, albuquerque, albuquerque, albuquerque)
(albuquerque, albuquerque, albuquerque, albuquerque)
!
*burp*
heh heh heh heh

Era una vez un niño que vivía en una caja debajo de la escalera, en un rincón del sótano de una casa a media manzana de la tienda de cebos de Jerry. En fin, en aquella época la vida iba bien y todo era perfecto... excepto por el hecho innegable de que cada mañana mi madre me preparaba un gran cuenco de chucrut para desayunar. ¡Dios mío! ¡Un gran cuenco de chucrut! ¡Cada maldita mañana! Me estaba volviendo loco. Le dije a mi madre: "Oye, mamá, qué pasa con todo este chucrut?" Y mi querida y dulce madre me miró como una vaca mira a un tren que se aproxima. Se inclinó justo al lado mío y me dijo: "¡Es bueno para ti!" Y luego me ató a la pared, metió un embudo en mi boca y me obligó a comer solamente chucrut hasta que cumplí 26 años y medio. Fue entonces cuando juré que algún día, algún día saldría de ese sótano y viajaría a un lugar mágico y lejano, donde el sol brilla siempre y el aire huele a cerveza de raíz caliente, ¡y las toallas son tan esponjosas! Donde los shriners y los leprosos tocan sus ukeleles todo el día, ¡y cualquier persona en la calle estaría encantada de afeitarte la espalda por un níquel!

Bueno, déjame decirte que no pasó mucho tiempo antes de que mi sueño se hiciera realidad. Porque al día siguiente, una emisora local organizó un concurso para ver quién podía adivinar correctamente cuántas moléculas hay en el trasero de Leonard Nimoy. Yo estuve tres fuera del número correcto, pero aun así gané el gran premio. Así es, ¡un pasaje en primera clase solo de ida a Albuquerque!

Albuquerque.

Oh sí. Nunca había estado en un avión real antes y tengo que decirte que fue genial... excepto porque tuve que sentarme entre dos grandes mujeres albanesas con un olor corporal extremadamente desagradable. Además, el niñito detrás de mí estuvo vomitando todo el tiempo. Las azafatas se quedaron sin Dr. Pepper ni cacahuetes salados; además la película del vuelo era Bio-Dome con Pauly Shore. Oh sí, tres motores del avión se apagaron y nos metimos en una espiral descendente chocando contra una ladera; el avión explotó en una gigantesca bola de fuego y todos murieron… excepto yo. Sabes por qué? Porque tenía la bandeja levantada y mi asiento completamente recto.

Así que arrastrándome desde los retorcidos restos ardientes del avión, estuve gateando durante tres días enteros mientras arrastraba mi enorme maleta de cuero junto con mi bolsa para camisas y mi saxofón tenor junto con mi bola de boliche de 12 libras e incluso mis afortunadas gafas snorkel firmadas que brillan en la oscuridad... finalmente llegué al famoso Holiday Inn de Albuquerque donde las toallas son tan esponjosas… ¡y puedes comer tu sopa directamente desde los ceniceros si quieres! Está bien; están limpios.

Así que me registré en mi habitación; bajé el aire acondicionado, encendí el espectravisión y estoy casi listo para comer esa pequeña menta chocolatosa sobre mi almohada que tanto amo cuando repentinamente hay un golpe en la puerta. Bueno ahora quién podría ser?

Digo: "Quién es?" Sin respuesta.

"Quién es?" No hay respuesta.

"¡Quién es!?" No dicen nada.

Finalmente decidí abrir la puerta; justo como sospechaba era un gran hermafrodita con corte estilo Flock of Seagulls ¡y solo tenía una fosa nasal! Oh hombre… odio tener razón.

De todas formas, irrumpe en mi habitación agarra mis gafas snorkel afortunadas como si nada; le digo: "¡Oye no puedes tener eso! Esa snorkel ha sido muy valiosa para mí."

Y él dice: "¡Qué duro!"

Y yo contesto: "¡Devuélvelo!"

Y él replica: "¡Hazme!"

Yo dije: "Está bien." Entonces lo agarré por la pierna mientras él básicamente me agarraba por el esófago; yo le mordí su oreja mientras él me sacó las cejas; saqué su apéndice mientras él me dio unas irrigaciones colónicas... Sí señor mejor lo crees. Y,en medio del caos... knock off the hook got knocked off the hook…

Veinte segundos después escucho una voz familiar diciendo:

"Para realizar una llamada cuelgue primero o intente nuevamente